Member-only story
You Look Your Age!
Mike! Holy crap, how long has it been? What’s new, my man? You just turned forty? Wow, you don’t look a day over forty or a day under forty. You look exactly forty. It’s impressive that your appearance is precisely marching in lock-step with the Earth’s revolution around the Sun.
Does age matter? Of course not. But it must feel great to hit your aging milestones so meticulously. You’re like a tree with forty perfect rings, man. I mean, not even atomic clocks are as accurate as the wear lines on your face.
What’s your secret to looking your age, by the way?
Do you lift weights four days a month with moderate intensity?
Do you eat plenty of salads, pizza, bananas, sandwiches, and an occasional McFlurry?
Do you experience a strict 50–50 mix of gratitude for your loving wife and anxiety that your career isn’t further along by now?
And my god, your genetics! So average. If Wikipedia had an entry for “forty-year-old guy,” your picture would be the leading image, followed by several more pictures of you with different outfits.
You in a tuxedo, captioned: “A standard forty-year-old man dresses up.”
You in a dress shirt, top three buttons undone: “A model forty-year-old with sex appeal.”
