Your Application To Mormon Heaven Has Now Been Processed!
Please sign, date and fax back to God no later than eternity
Dear Brigham Smith,
My name is Angel Brian, GAG (Guaranteed Assistant to God) and you are hereby notified that your obedience to the laws and principles of the church have granted you a spot in the Mormon Celestial Kingdom! We hope this brings about an amount of joy (with the absence of arousal or outright ecstacy).
I’m excited to announce that due to your life of celibacy and service work you will be rewarded with your family 24/7! Your grandpa Jones will be meeting you once you arrive to take you to his shop so you can help him with his wooden ships and listen to his old navy stories…forever. Remember those wheat pancakes your grandma Jones used to make? You’ll be having those forever. Remember the awkward talk with your dad about how your body is a temple? Every day. You’ve earned it!
I think you’ll find that we really know how to have fun here. The highest ranking Milkizdeck priests recently voted that jokes regarding top ten list, 101 countdowns and certain puns are completely acceptable forms of amusement so long as they are in good taste. A good example is when brother Ishmael asked “Who lost the word processing competition, Jesus or the Devil?” Well, the answer was Jesus, because “Jesus Saves”. It brought the whole house down. There are plenty of harps, so you’ll never harp about not having one (See, that would be perfect for joke time). And when that harp goes bad we’ll quickly size you up with one of our shiny, new replacements.
We have many great tabernacles with state of the art acoustics so you can go and join your brethren in song. If songs about obedience are your jam, we have thousands to choose from! Or if you prefer anthems, one of our chapels plays a constant loop of hymns in D major and you are welcome to march to for hours. Lastly, on weekends we have “Pioneer Sing” where those who gather recreate the beautiful hymns that helped the saints cope with sickness and death by expressing solemn messages of hardship and sorrow. Bonus!
And finally, exactly what you’ve been waiting for…the food! You’ll be dining on minuscule pieces of bread and tiny plastic thimbles resembling the flesh and blood of Christ. Super tasty! You’ll have infinite tiny cups at your disposal and the good news is this flesh and blood will not cause yours to put on any poundage. Somehow you’ll be continuously eating and drinking without ever getting full!
I know you must be getting anxious to clock in, but there’s more!
As far as wives go, you may start collecting them once you have clocked in to begin your infinite journey. You’ll have many to choose from including: Etsy seller, Blonde Blogger, Zumba instructor on anti-depressants and edgy Cupcake store owner just to name a few. Wives, unlike harps, are non-returnable. If you don’t like the one you have, you just visit the lower kingdom and grab a couple more.
You’ll want to read over the 577,998,000 page orientation pamphlet, sign, date and fax back to God who works on the 897,213,993th floor of the “Heavenly Office Bldg.”
Now that you are here, you get to start all over in a whole new system of records! One thing that pleases Mormon God is spreadsheets. You have a completely blank spreadsheet just waiting to be filled! Make sure you add a row that includes estimates for the cost of rebuilding the house brought down by the jokes.