Your Application To Mormon Heaven Has Now Been Processed!
Please sign, date and fax back to God no later than eternity
Dear Brigham Smith,
My name is Angel Brian, GAG (Guaranteed Assistant to God) and you are hereby notified that your obedience to the laws and principles of the church have granted you a spot in the Mormon Celestial Kingdom! We hope this brings about an amount of joy (with the absence of arousal or outright ecstacy).
I’m excited to announce that due to your life of celibacy and service work you will be rewarded with your family 24/7! Your grandpa Jones will be meeting you once you arrive to take you to his shop so you can help him with his wooden ships and listen to his old navy stories…forever. Remember those wheat pancakes your grandma Jones used to make? You’ll be having those forever. Remember the awkward talk with your dad about how your body is a temple? Every day. You’ve earned it!
I think you’ll find that we really know how to have fun here. The highest ranking Milkizdeck priests recently voted that jokes regarding top ten list, 101 countdowns and certain puns are completely acceptable forms of amusement so long as they are in good taste. A good example is when brother Ishmael asked “Who lost the word processing competition, Jesus or the Devil?” Well, the answer…
