Your Audience Question At This Comic Con Panel Was So Good, I’d Like To Offer You A Job

sarah james
Sep 10 · 3 min read
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Even though you still haven’t reached the “question” portion of your comment during the audience Q&A part of this panel, I’m going to have to stop you right there. You are obviously the most brilliant person to ever watch a TV show based on a run of comic books, and as the creator of the hit television series Atomic Advisors, I’d like to offer you a job.

This is unorthodox, I know, but when you began the extremely limited time we have for over 600 people to ask questions of the writers and stars of their favorite TV show by talking about your childhood in suburban New Jersey, I thought: there is someone who isn’t afraid to be bold. And even though David Tennant is rolling his eyes and Olivia Colman looks on the verge of a nap, I can tell you are exactly the kind of person I need on the Atomic Advisors team.

When you said “so my question is,” without following it up with something even remotely resembling a question, I realized you were a maverick. In a way, just as our show redefined the hour-long gritty superhero drama, you’re redefining the phrase “question and answer.” Specifically, redefining it to a monologue, given by you, about how Patton Oswalt’s character Professor Electrony had a different color jacket in the comics.

At one point, you began to stumble towards a “how did you break into the industry” type question, and honestly, I was a little disappointed. I’d grown so accustomed to your voice, the melodic way it stopped sentences mid-thought and started over on a separate, unrelated thought — I didn’t want the music to end.

Fortunately, saying something that has the cadence of a question without actually being a question is just another tool in your rhetorical toolbelt, along with pedantry, run-on-sentences, and somehow being a creep to Tiffany Haddish despite never actually talking to Tiffany Haddish. Genius.

Just when I was beginning to think “this oratorical master surely can’t sustain this level of brilliance for another five minutes,” you decided that myself and the other panelists, including Sir Ian McKellen, who is on the verge of death, both wanted and needed to hear the pitch for your YouTube channel, “Craig’s Take.” A channel where someone talks to a camera about things they didn’t like in movies — has that ever been done before? May I just say that next on my list after hiring you is both liking and subscribing to “Craig’s Take.”

In fact, why don’t you just come onstage right now? We’ll make a space for you right between Levar Burton and Lucy Lawless, who recently won an Emmy for her performance as Headmistress Nucleona of the Atomic Academy. Then the entire audience of Atomic Advisors fans who waited nine hours for this will be able to see your face as you point out a continuity error from three seasons ago and then say “was that intentional?” as if there’s any universe where that’s a sincere question and not an attempt to prove to me you are smarter than every person in this room, convincing me to hire you on the spot.

And let me tell you: it worked! Congrats, and welcome to the team, smarty-pants!

You’ll be paid 9.25 an hour, no medical, and your only job is to be yelled at when there are onions on my salad. You start Monday!

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Thanks to Alex Baia

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