Your Cat’s Op-Ed On Your New Baby

Time for this kitty to drag that crusty mess.

James Klein
Slackjaw
Published in
3 min readJan 29, 2024

--

Licensed from Shutterstock Images

Opinion Essay By Your Cat
Your Cat is the Feline Lifestyle Critic for All Things in Your House

The three of us had a good life. You adopted me as a kitten, and I considered you my parents, even if we’re not biologically related. You loved me, and doted on me, and I returned your love with purrs, and head-butts, and flops on your lap. We were happy.

Then you brought that shrieking skin-sack into our world. I’m not usually one to spill the tea, but I feel it’s my responsibility to warn everyone who is considering getting one of those things.

My opinion of your baby? Helpless and disgusting. If your baby was a movie, I’d give it one star.

Attitude? Pure disaster. Customer service? Nonexistent. Try giving the baby feedback. It’s like talking to a wall, if the wall crapped itself.

I understand the baby is your offspring, so I tried to keep an open mind. I’m not one of those jealous siblings who compete for their parents’ affection. But yeesh — baby is so much worse than I could’ve imagined. One star? That’s being generous.

How two fairly clean mammals produced that slimy blob of body fluids is a mystery. The baby’s brain is supposed to be more advanced than mine, but it can’t figure out how to use a litter box? You have to strap a diaper on its rear-end so it doesn’t leak all over the floor. Even blinded by love, you must realize the baby is objectively gross.

Why would anyone choose to get a baby when there are more cats available? I’m not a big fan of dogs, but even a puppy would be better. At least it would understand the basic rules of play. Hide, pounce, chase, wrestle. It’s not that complicated. Instead, the baby pinches my ears and yanks my tail. Does that sound like fun to you?

Your baby can’t even feed itself. Leave me food, I’ll eat it. How complicated is that? Without your help, the baby would starve to death, even if you left a bowl of mush next to its face. You have to force-feed nutrients into its mouth-hole, or trick the baby by “playing airplane.” What kind of animal has to be duped into staying alive? One that’s useless and pathetic.

--

--

James Klein
Slackjaw

My dog thinks I’m cool. Humor in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Greener Pastures, and others. All of it at jameskleinhumor.com.