Your NYC Housing Application Documents Checklist

Kate Herzlin
Aug 31, 2018 · 2 min read
  • 11.6 recent pay stubs.
  • The last 7 years of your stepdad’s tax returns.
  • Copy of your license to operate a drone.
  • List of all medications you take; please include any medications you were ever supposed to take but forgot to take.
  • Letter of reference from your neighbor’s dog.
  • Your senior year second semester report card.
  • Receipt from the last time you ordered in Seamless.
  • An original review of Ocean’s 8 that uses the word “derivative” at least 3 times.
  • Transcription of a voicemail your mother left you on your birthday.
  • Screenshots of your Tinder messages.
  • Written record of all subway stops you’ve visited in the last 6 months.
  • Your HBO Go password. Please note: by law, all NYC residents are required to subscribe to HBO Go.
  • All of your AIM conversations from 2002–2005 printed out, single-sided & double spaced.
  • All of the contents of your backpack and/or purse literally dumped out on the floor.
  • A notarized letter from your therapist outlining why you moved to this godforsaken city in the first place.
  • Playbill from when you saw Wicked in 8th grade (sorry, if you didn’t see Wicked in 8th grade, we won’t be able to accept your application)!
  • Broker’s 15% fee, the entire year’s rent, your college tuition, your 401K, 10% of what your future children will earn, and the money your Great Aunt Irma will leave you when she dies. For your convenience, payments can be made in Bitcoin, diamonds, or gold doubloons.
  • You must earn 400,000,000x the monthly rent.*

*Sorry, no pets!

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Kate Herzlin

Written by

Playwright, screenwriter, & comedy writer who overuses the rule of three.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.