You’re All Wrong, Die Hard Is A Hanukkah Movie

Keaton Patti
Published in
4 min readDec 20, 2019

Illustration by Emily Clouse

I’m sorry, but did I just overhear you guys saying Die Hard is a Christmas movie? I did? Oh, well I hate to sour this holiday party, but I’d be remiss not to point out that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life of hearing things. Die Hard has been and will always be the greatest Hanukkah movie ever created.

I mean, did you guys even watch the movie? It’s so Jewish it makes Eight Crazy Nights look antisemitic! Let’s just start with the setting: a company Christmas party on Christmas Eve. Now I’ll grant you, that appears to be maybe, possibly, a little, tiny bit Christmas-y, but here’s the thing, when a gang of bad guys led by a notorious German terrorist invade a Christmas party, the film is beating you over the head to tell you that if you celebrate Christmas, you deserve to become a hostage of a bunch of weird German dudes.

But not only is the film anti-Christmas, the whole plot is Hanukkah. Do you guys even know the story of Hanukkah, or have you been too busy polishing Santa’s candy cane to learn it? Hanukkah is all about reclaiming the Temple in Jerusalem from invaders. What does John McClane, AKA J.M., AKA Jewish Man, do in Die Hard? He reclaims the skyscraper, Nakatomi Plaza, from invaders: Hans Gruber (short for Hanukkahs Gruber, aka “The Hanukkah Grabber,” aka “The Man Who Wants to Steal Hanukkah”) and his evil elves.

How did you guys not see that? I mean, the place is called Nakatomi Plaza, one of the most Jewish-sounding Japanese names in existence, and what does the building look like? Nobody knows? Really? It looks like a really tall dreidel! This is Film Symbology 101, people. If there’s a building in a shot, that’s called a “dreidel scene,” and it represents the fact that we should all fear God, because He could spin our buildings around whenever He wants.

So do you still think a film where our hero, Jewish Man, battles with Hanukkahs Gruber (The Man Who Wants to Steal Hanukkah) inside a massive dreidel is a Christmas movie?!

What? I’m yelling? That’s your opinion, buddy! And since you already have ridiculously incorrect Die Hard opinions, I have to assume you’re wrong about absolutely everything! As wrong as Hans Gruber was when he thought he could steal $640 million in gold chocolate coins and get away with it!