You’re All Wrong, Die Hard Is A Hanukkah Movie

Keaton Patti
Dec 20, 2019 · 4 min read
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Illustration by Emily Clouse

I’m sorry, but did I just overhear you guys saying Die Hard is a Christmas movie? I did? Oh, well I hate to sour this holiday party, but I’d be remiss not to point out that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life of hearing things. Die Hard has been and will always be the greatest Hanukkah movie ever created.

I mean, did you guys even watch the movie? It’s so Jewish it makes Eight Crazy Nights look antisemitic! Let’s just start with the setting: a company Christmas party on Christmas Eve. Now I’ll grant you, that appears to be maybe, possibly, a little, tiny bit Christmas-y, but here’s the thing, when a gang of bad guys led by a notorious German terrorist invade a Christmas party, the film is beating you over the head to tell you that if you celebrate Christmas, you deserve to become a hostage of a bunch of weird German dudes.

But not only is the film anti-Christmas, the whole plot is Hanukkah. Do you guys even know the story of Hanukkah, or have you been too busy polishing Santa’s candy cane to learn it? Hanukkah is all about reclaiming the Temple in Jerusalem from invaders. What does John McClane, AKA J.M., AKA Jewish Man, do in Die Hard? He reclaims the skyscraper, Nakatomi Plaza, from invaders: Hans Gruber (short for Hanukkahs Gruber, aka “The Hanukkah Grabber,” aka “The Man Who Wants to Steal Hanukkah”) and his evil elves.

How did you guys not see that? I mean, the place is called Nakatomi Plaza, one of the most Jewish-sounding Japanese names in existence, and what does the building look like? Nobody knows? Really? It looks like a really tall dreidel! This is Film Symbology 101, people. If there’s a building in a shot, that’s called a “dreidel scene,” and it represents the fact that we should all fear God, because He could spin our buildings around whenever He wants.

So do you still think a film where our hero, Jewish Man, battles with Hanukkahs Gruber (The Man Who Wants to Steal Hanukkah) inside a massive dreidel is a Christmas movie?!

What? I’m yelling? That’s your opinion, buddy! And since you already have ridiculously incorrect Die Hard opinions, I have to assume you’re wrong about absolutely everything! As wrong as Hans Gruber was when he thought he could steal $640 million in gold chocolate coins and get away with it!

If you dopes still aren’t convinced, just think back to when McClane kills the terrorist Uli. He fires eight bullets, one for each separate night the sacred oil burned in the reclaimed temple! He essentially turns Uli into a menorah, lighting him up with “religion bullets” to celebrate the Festival of Lights. For the other terrorists, McClane hands out gifts, a time-honored Hanukkah tradition. He gives them all the thoughtful gift of death, one of the most common Hanukkah presents!

Huh? Who do I know here at this party? Nobody. I roam the streets looking for holiday parties to sneak into and hopefully overhear people claiming Die Hard is a Christmas movie so I can interrupt and moviesplain to them how dumb they are! I broke in through your chimney just like your chunky boyfriend Santa does every year.

Speaking of Santa, he’s not even in the damn movie! How can something be a Christmas movie and not have Santa Claus as a major protagonist? That’d be like claiming something is an animated movie and not having Shrek in it! I don’t write the rules! I just make them up in my head and scream them at strangers!

Oh, you’re calling the police on me? Haha! I think much like John “Moses” McClane, you’ll find out the police aren’t very helpful. Remember how inept the LAPD (Latkes And Praying Daily, again Film Symbology 101) was with trying to help him save his wife? And lest we forget, John’s wife looks just like a Star of David, the Jewish shape. Don’t you dare try to tell me that’s a coincidence, or not at all what she actually looks like!

If somehow you can still possibly think Die Hard has nothing to do with Hanukkah or Judaism, just think back to another time where a bunch of evil Germans tried to take what wasn’t theirs. Ring a bell? Maybe a Nazi bell? Anyone? World War II, morons! Any historian will tell you all of this, as long as the historian you ask is me. Yep, I’m a historian! Bet ya didn’t think an old white guy could be a historian, did ya! Idiots!

You know what? I can tell I’m not wanted here at this party I wasn’t invited to and where I’ve been spreading chimney soot everywhere, so I’ll take the hint and leave. But before I leave I want to quote the great Rabbinical scholar Baruhk Wi’llis and say, “Yippee ki yay, motherfuckers!”

That’s Hebrew for, “Happy Hanukkah, motherfuckers!”

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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