You’re Invited To Celebrate My 26th Birthday And Losing Coverage On My Parents’ Insurance Plan
When:
Friday, April 23rd at 3 pm — I know that’s a little early considering most of you will still be at work, but I need to make sure we have enough time to pick up the cake and visit all of my doctors before their offices close. Okay, yes, most of the evening will be spent taking advantage of my last day on health insurance, but I promise it will be just as fun as a regular party!
Where:
First, we’ll probably head to my favorite spot, McSorley’s — not the bar on East 7th Street. McSorley is the name of my surgeon. He performed an operation on my knee a few years ago, after I tore my MCL skiing in Vail.
I know what you guys are thinking — seems tame compared to the wild rooftop disco we went to for my 25th birthday, but I swear it won’t be! Plus, Rachel and Tessa, you two are always saying you want to marry a cute doctor, and what better place to find one than at the solo practice of a married sixty-year-old man? I will warn you, his receptionist does check your insurance card at the door, but I always tell her my mom’s the plan holder and she’s cool about it.
I really want him to meet all you guys and check out my meniscus because it keeps doing this weird thing when I bend it and I’m afraid I might need a new stint. His office is on 53rd Street, which I’ve actually heard is kind of a trendy area for going out now. There is a bit of a wait usually before getting in — sometimes as long as three months — but I’m hoping we can bypass that since it’s my birthday and I’m an Oxford Freedom member. Once you’re in, they make you feel really special with fancy swag like a Frozen 2 sticker and shots of amoxicillin — okay yes, I still see a pediatric surgeon.
After McSorley’s, we will be taking a (drumroll please) party bus to the next location! Well, it’s not so much a party bus as it is an ambulance. I know they’re a little pricey, but it’ll probably be my last opportunity to take one for a while because, without insurance, it’s like $2000 per ride.
While we’re inside, the flashing red lights and blaring siren create an awesome nightclub vibe — we can even blast Lady Gaga songs from my iPhone if we want. There is, unfortunately, no pole to dance on, but there will be a defibrillator we could use.
They also don’t roll out a red carpet like we had for my sweet sixteen, but they do roll out a stretcher to lie down on in case I feel lightheaded — which reminds me, I should probably ask them to take my blood pressure since hypertension runs in my family. They’ll likely drop us off at Mount Sinai Hospital, but that’s okay because the next place I want to go to is only a block away. So, ladies, you can still wear heels!
I figured we’d wind down the night at my friend Linda’s apartment. You guys are going to love her. She’s technically my psychiatrist and prefers to go by “Dr. Kelly,” but I’ve been seeing her for so long that we’re practically BFFs now. She’s always got the best hookup — not so much with alcohol or weed, but she usually has trippy party drugs like Lexapro and Zoloft. Her place is also really cozy, so I thought it might be a nice spot to chat, specifically about feelings I’ve repressed since childhood when my dad left us to start a new family with his secretary. Linda will probably have a good take on that, but I thought it might be a fun party game to get all your thoughts as well. Cards Against Humanity is overdone anyway, am I right?
I’m not going to lie to you guys. I’ll probably ditch you around 7 pm to go meet up with this guy. You have to promise you won’t be mad at me like you were last year when I ditched you for Josh! This is different, I swear. I only see this guy like once a year, but let’s just say, I’ll be changing into my “birthday suit” because he really knows what he’s doing “down there.” Yes, his name is Dr. Hoffman, and he’s my gynecologist.
Gifts:
Please, no gifts! I already have everything I could ever need. All I want is for you to be there! But if you feel so inclined, you can buy me a drink or purchase a three-month supply of anti-inflammatory meds for my knee.
Please RSVP no later than Friday, April 16th. McSorley’s needs a headcount of how many people will be in the VIP section, which is what we regulars have endearingly nicknamed his office waiting room.
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