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Medium humor. Large laughs.

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Great-Uncle James Bond Tells The Goldfinger Story In His Own Words

Great-Uncle James Bond Tells The Goldfinger Story In His Own Words

I don’t usually talk about my work as 007, but why not? Let’s see. I arrived at the Fontainebleau Hotel in Miami for the Goldfinger job in…

Aug 16

My Home May Be In Total Disrepair, But You’ve Got To Admit These Succulents Are Nice

My Home May Be In Total Disrepair, But You’ve Got To Admit These Succulents Are Nice

Pay no attention to the leaky toilet or the gaping pit in the bathroom, but instead these fun little succulents that I’ve placed everywhere.

Aug 15

What Happened When I Typed “Smacked In The Nuts With A Rake” Into A Headline Generator

What Happened When I Typed “Smacked In The Nuts With A Rake” Into A Headline Generator

And the results are…

Aug 14

Haiku For Turning Forty

Haiku For Turning Forty

Poetic verses for midlife curses.

Aug 13

A Frog In A Pot Rationalizes The Increasingly Hot Water Temp

A Frog In A Pot Rationalizes The Increasingly Hot Water Temp

I know the water won’t get too hot, because I don’t believe in boiling water.

Aug 12

The Five People You Meet In Hell Who All Turn Out To Be Hitler

The Five People You Meet In Hell Who All Turn Out To Be Hitler

Hell is other people, except when it’s just Hitler.

Aug 11

Oh No, I Just Realized I’ll Never Be Able To See The Elephant’s Foot At Chernobyl!

Oh No, I Just Realized I’ll Never Be Able To See The Elephant’s Foot At Chernobyl!

The people who’ve seen it are dead now. Lucky sons of bitches!

Aug 10

More Heehee's and Hoohoo's

FAQ For Our Upcoming Wedding At The Abandoned Rainforest Cafe

FAQ For Our Upcoming Wedding At The Abandoned Rainforest Cafe

The restaurant may feel a teeny bit different now that it’s been taken over by its newly sentient animatronic animals.

Aug 9

We Bought Our House In An Extreme Sellers Market, But I Assure You We Got A GREAT Deal

We Bought Our House In An Extreme Sellers Market, But I Assure You ...

Despite everyone talking about how competitive the market was, we found the entire home buying process to be an absolute breeze.

Aug 8

The Georgia Chamber Of Commerce’s Letter To Charlie Daniels Regarding The Devil Went Down To…

The Georgia Chamber Of Commerce’s Letter To Charlie Daniels Regardi...

Cease and desist this slander

Aug 7

Welcome To Your Writing Retreat: The COVID Isolation Room

Welcome To Your Writing Retreat: The COVID Isolation Room

Come experience all the quiet isolation you have been craving for the last ten years

Aug 6

Adventures in Microdosing the Police Force

Adventures in Microdosing the Police Force

“Hm,” I wondered, staring at the leather shorts “What could be the downside of a collective mood change in a small town’s only police force”

Aug 5

Come On Over But Only If You’re Cool With Boogers On Every Surface In My House

Come On Over But Only If You’re Cool With Boogers On Every Surface ...

Make yourself comfortable in my booger haven!

Julia Giantomasi

Aug 4

As A Professional Baseball Player, I Refuse To Get Vaccinated To Save Lives, But For A Shot At The…

As A Professional Baseball Player, I Refuse To Get Vaccinated To Sa...

I’ve listened to the experts, and I’ve decided the vaccine is not for me. Unless, that is, a playoff team decides to trade for me.

Aug 3

Lose 50 Pounds In 32 Days With Keto!!!

Lose 50 Pounds In 32 Days With Keto!!!

Do you need to lose belly fat?

Aug 2

We Here At BMW Are Proud To Announce Our Subscription-Based Brakes

We Here At BMW Are Proud To Announce Our Subscription-Based Brakes

Heated seats were just the beginning.

Aug 2

Shocking New Study (Also) Funded By Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Finds That Babies Playing With…

Shocking New Study (Also) Funded By Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation...

The study found that for babies, there were absolutely no benefits to playing with firecrackers, only risks.

Aug 1

Ernest Hemingway’s “The Old Man And The Pee”

Ernest Hemingway’s “The Old Man And The Pee”

He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he hadn’t been gone fifteen minutes when he had to relieve himself. He…

Aug 1

My Name Is Bruce Wayne And Trauma Is My Super Power

My Name Is Bruce Wayne And Trauma Is My Super Power

I am resilient. I am the night. The night my parents died.

Jul 31

A Father of Teenagers Makes His First and Last Unboxing Video

A Father of Teenagers Makes His First and Last Unboxing Video

Can a lone man survive a clash with two of the great scourges of modern life—teenagers and cardboard boxes?

Jonathan Weisberg

Jul 30

Flags Of The World Redesigned For Clarity

Flags Of The World Redesigned For Clarity

This is the flag of Greece (grēs).

Jul 29

I Can’t Support Respect For Marriage Because I, A Democratic Senator, Know Gay Marriage Causes…

I Can’t Support Respect For Marriage Because I, A Democratic Senato...

I’d much rather be anything than be inflated

Sharmila Shankarkumar

Jul 28

I’m A Bad Boy Corporate Twitter Account, And I’m Against Unionization

I’m A Bad Boy Corporate Twitter Account, And I’m Against Unionization

A union is like a #condom, and business is way better without it. Like sex.

Jul 27

I Had A Funny Thing To Say, But The Conversation Moved On

I Had A Funny Thing To Say, But The Conversation Moved On

It’s not like we’re on a totally separate topic…

Jul 27

Things I Wish I Could Find By Calling Them Like My Phone

Things I Wish I Could Find By Calling Them Like My Phone

I need all the help I can get right now

Jul 26

A Timeline Of My Thoughts In The One Hour After I Leave A Party

A Timeline Of My Thoughts In The One Hour After I Leave A Party

Everything went really well, except for that awkward thing I said.

Jul 26

As Parents, It’s Our Responsibility To Make Sure This Kindergarten Graduation Is Unforgettable

As Parents, It’s Our Responsibility To Make Sure This Kindergarten ...

I believe it is our duty to provide our children with a kindergarten graduation ceremony that they’ll never forget.

Jul 25

“If It Bleeds, It Leads” Creator’s Lesser-Known Catchphrases

“If It Bleeds, It Leads” Creator’s Lesser-Known Catchphrases

“If it moos, it boos,” “If it dances, it finances,” and other universal truths!

Jul 25

Leaked Supreme Court Draft Opinion On Women Drivers

Leaked Supreme Court Draft Opinion On Women Drivers

Kavanaugh sets stage for overturning Jack

Jul 24

My Life Is So Much Better Now That I Am Legally A Corporation

My Life Is So Much Better Now That I Am Legally A Corporation

It’s the only way to live.

Jul 23

Fictional Villains Leave Instacart Instructions For Their Shoppers

Fictional Villains Leave Instacart Instructions For Their Shoppers

Dracula: Enter my house freely and of your own will and place the packages near the pile of boxes filled with consecrated dirt. I have…

Jul 22

This Article Was Co-Written By AI. Can You Tell?

This Article Was Co-Written By AI. Can You Tell?

The rise of sentient authors

Jul 21

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