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Easter Is Halloween, Except It’s Pastel

Easter Is Halloween, Except It’s Pastel

Ghosts and goblins are scary. A giant humanoid bunny breaking into your house while you sleep is pastel scary.
Go to the profile of Talia Argondezzi
Talia Argondezzi
Ways I’ll Never Be Rich Enough To Die

Ways I’ll Never Be Rich Enough To Die

I can’t afford to die like a millionaire.
Go to the profile of James Klein
James Klein
Every Suspect’s Behavior On “Law & Order: SVU”

Every Suspect’s Behavior On “Law & Order: SVU”

I had nothing to do with this especially heinous sexually-based offense!
Go to the profile of Nat Hrvatin
Nat Hrvatin
I Called An Audible And My End Zone Became The Red Zone

I Called An Audible And My End Zone Became The Red Zone

And this is why I don’t have casual sex
Go to the profile of Kelly Shanley
Kelly Shanley
I Respect And Admire All Teachers, Except For The One Who Currently Teaches My Kid

I Respect And Admire All Teachers, Except For The One Who Currently Teaches My Kid

We as a people need to celebrate and advocate for teachers, especially the ones that think my son, Ryder, is a good boy.
Go to the profile of Adam Dietz
Adam Dietz
Are You A Tax Advisor Or The Monkees’ Daydream Believer?

Are You A Tax Advisor Or The Monkees’ Daydream Believer?

Breadearner, get ready to pay less income tax when you hire me
Go to the profile of Ele Pawelski
Ele Pawelski
Stopping This Performance Won’t Bring President Lincoln Back To Life

Stopping This Performance Won’t Bring President Lincoln Back To Life

Will you keep them from knowing what happens to our American Cousin?
Go to the profile of Kevin Maher
Kevin Maher
More Heehee's and Hoohoo's
20 Things My Dad Says Instead Of “I Love You”

20 Things My Dad Says Instead Of “I Love You”

“That’s baseball, Suzyn”
Go to the profile of Layne Dixon
Layne Dixon
What Wine Tasting Notes Really Mean

What Wine Tasting Notes Really Mean

It really doesn’t taste so bad after six glasses.
Go to the profile of Lila Ruppe
Lila Ruppe
Alternatives To Saying “Sorry, I Zoned Out, What?”

Alternatives To Saying “Sorry, I Zoned Out, What?”

“Sorry, my mind’s a brand new Mad Libs book… all blanks”
Go to the profile of Emily Clouse
Emily Clouse
White Lotus Rewards Members Update

White Lotus Rewards Members Update

We’re taking steps to minimize the number of murders at our properties.
Go to the profile of Ken Furer
Ken Furer
Trumptenkamen II Vows To Make Ancient Egypt Great Again

Trumptenkamen II Vows To Make Ancient Egypt Great Again

Gone are the days of sleepy Joseph and his ugly technicolor dreamcoat.
Go to the profile of Rochelle E. Fisher
Rochelle E. Fisher
It Turns Out The City’s Sewage Problem Was The Phantom Of The Opera This Whole Time

It Turns Out The City’s Sewage Problem Was The Phantom Of The Opera...

Imagine trying to have a bowel movement and your bowl starts producing mournful sighs
Go to the profile of Danielle Koenig
Danielle Koenig
I’m The Regular Oat In Lucky Charms And I’m Gonna Help You Change Your Life

I’m The Regular Oat In Lucky Charms And I’m Gonna Help You Change Y...

While the marshmallow pieces were at the end of the rainbow, I was at the end of my rope.
Go to the profile of Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman
Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman
Why I Couldn’t Make It To Your Thing: A Retrospective

Why I Couldn’t Make It To Your Thing: A Retrospective

I’d love to come! But I just… can’t. Here’s why.
Go to the profile of Talia Argondezzi
Talia Argondezzi
Do You Have What It Takes To Be A Character In A Young Adult Mystery-Thriller?

Do You Have What It Takes To Be A Character In A Young Adult Myster...

Pause that true crime podcast you are recording and find out.
Go to the profile of Laurie Miller Hornik
Laurie Miller Hornik
Happy Birthday! Now Get Your Own Phone Plan.

Happy Birthday! Now Get Your Own Phone Plan.

You’re 50 for Christ’s sake, it’s time to grow up.
Go to the profile of Amarie Skrzyp
Amarie Skrzyp
Hey Lumon, What The Hell Have You Been Feeding My Innie?

Hey Lumon, What The Hell Have You Been Feeding My Innie?

I don’t care how mysterious the work is, I’m sick of my Innie destroying my toilet.
Go to the profile of Patrick Coyne
Patrick Coyne
I’m The Understanding Wife Whose Husband Cheats On Her With The Protagonist In This Period…

I’m The Understanding Wife Whose Husband Cheats On Her With The Pro...

I like to pride myself on being, above all things, classy.
Go to the profile of Caroline Horwitz
Caroline Horwitz
Unfortunately, You Are Way Too Hot To Be My Doctor

Unfortunately, You Are Way Too Hot To Be My Doctor

Please stop telling me to relax. I have never been less relaxed in my entire life.
Go to the profile of Emily Holi
Emily Holi
My Name Is Jesus And I’m A Burnt-Out Gifted Kid

My Name Is Jesus And I’m A Burnt-Out Gifted Kid

Can anyone relate?
Go to the profile of Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman
Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman
What Will Happen If I Close These Tabs?

What Will Happen If I Close These Tabs?

If I close these tabs, we will lose another Library of Alexandria.
Go to the profile of Andrew Patrick Clark
Andrew Patrick Clark
We’re McSwearsalot Brothers Flooring

We’re McSwearsalot Brothers Flooring

And swearing is an integral part of our flooring process
Go to the profile of Sarah Totton
Sarah Totton
Five Nepo Babies You May Not Have Heard Of And Their Unusual Perks

Five Nepo Babies You May Not Have Heard Of And Their Unusual Perks

Guy Fieri’s son isn’t paying a dime for any food at a diner.
Go to the profile of Toby Davis
Toby Davis
Introducing Katalogd: Finally, An App To Rank Your Ranking Apps

Introducing Katalogd: Finally, An App To Rank Your Ranking Apps

Why do anything if not to log our participation for perpetuity?
Go to the profile of Luke Herzog
Luke Herzog
Watching “Call The Midwife” Ruined By Gross, Realistic Birth Scenes

Watching “Call The Midwife” Ruined By Gross, Realistic Birth Scenes

Your show would be more suitably titled “Placenta-Splatter-the-Freshly-Starched-Uniform-of the Midwife”
Go to the profile of Katherine Shaw
Katherine Shaw
Swasticut Gems

Swasticut Gems

We finally know who made Ye’s chain
Go to the profile of Ari Ben-Avram
Ari Ben-Avram
My “Foofur” Screenplay Will Appeal To Old Fans And New Fans Alike

My “Foofur” Screenplay Will Appeal To Old Fans And New Fans Alike

Quick — name one of the most beloved cartoon characters of all time!
Go to the profile of Kevin Maher
Kevin Maher
A Letter To Our School Board

A Letter To Our School Board

Who I am definitely not afraid of.
Go to the profile of Jampatmulligan
Jampatmulligan
Welcome to Hotel De Brooklyn Apartment! Please Make Yourself At Home On Our Stained Communal Couch

Welcome to Hotel De Brooklyn Apartment! Please Make Yourself At Hom...

Don’t worry, one of the rats is my roommate’s pet.
Go to the profile of Peter Clark-Deutsch
Peter Clark-Deutsch
More Specific Availability Statuses

More Specific Availability Statuses

Do Not Disturb; Working On My Side Hustle
Go to the profile of Nathan Vogel
Nathan Vogel
We Am The Bones Of Your House And We Look Good

We Am The Bones Of Your House And We Look Good

Sure, no one will ever see us, but we’re what makes your outdated and tacky house a home.
Go to the profile of Andrew Belfry
Andrew Belfry
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