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Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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AI Will Have Them Eating Out Of Pouches By Christmas

AI Will Have Them Eating Out Of Pouches By Christmas

We’re confident that as the world says yes to AI, they’ll also say yes to receiving every necessary nutrient from a bag of puree.

Lauren McDowell

Jul 10

I Now Wear Horse Blinders At The Gym To Honor Women’s Bodies

I Now Wear Horse Blinders At The Gym To Honor Women’s Bodies

It’s the feminist thing to do.

Jul 9

TouchTunes Is Ruining My Life: A Bartender’s Plea

TouchTunes Is Ruining My Life: A Bartender’s Plea

After much reflection, I can only imagine that this is the infamous machine that one band rages against.

Jul 8

Please Stop Encouraging Me To Keep Building This Robot That Will Eat Us All.

Please Stop Encouraging Me To Keep Building This Robot That Will Eat Us All.

I’m building as fast as I can. Please stop me.

Jul 7

I’m Your Instacart Shopper, And Your Grocery List Was Merely A Starting Point

I’m Your Instacart Shopper, And Your Grocery List Was Merely A Starting Point

Because who would I be if I were merely a personal grocery shopper — and not a sacred agent of chaos?

Jul 6

The Morality Of Finger Licking

The Morality Of Finger Licking

What licking your fingers says about you

Miles-Erik Bell

Jul 5

Bestie, You Thought You Could Just Come In Here And Consign Your Clothes Today?

Bestie, You Thought You Could Just Come In Here And Consign Your Clothes Today?

I’m obsessed with how you actually thought we’d take this.

Jul 4

More Heehee's and Hoohoo's

Nothing Says I’m An Important Businessman Like A Briefcase Filled With Business Papers

Nothing Says I’m An Important Businessman Like A Briefcase Filled With Business Papers

Not just any papers, important business papers.

Jul 3

Strategic Responses When My Coworkers Try Small Talk

Strategic Responses When My Coworkers Try Small Talk

Interests? I haven’t really developed any interests outside of work since I’m so dedicated to this company.

Jul 2

My Most Awkward First Date Moments

My Most Awkward First Date Moments

“Hey Amanda, great to meet you!” I say with a big grin as I hug her.

Jul 1

50 Unsolicited Jaws Sequel Pitches That I Emailed To Steven Spielberg Upon The 50th Anniversary

50 Unsolicited Jaws Sequel Pitches That I Emailed To Steven Spielbe...

You’re gonna need a bigger sequel.

Jul 1

Skin

Flash fiction by Pierre-Autin Grenier, translated from the French by Andrea Reece

Jun 30

How To Make Your Friend’s Wedding Special For You Personally, Even Though You’re “Just A Guest”

How To Make Your Friend’s Wedding Special For You Personally, Even ...

Weddings should be a memorable day for everyone!

Jun 30

This Serial Killer’s Calling Cards Are So Cute

This Serial Killer’s Calling Cards Are So Cute

Bodies are piling up, but the evidence is just darling.

J. Kleinschmidt

Jun 29

Confused About Tariffs? This Simple Quantum Mechanical Breakdown Explains It All

Confused About Tariffs? This Simple Quantum Mechanical Breakdown Ex...

Tariffs have “wave-particle duality,” which is like being swept out to sea and riddled with bullets simultaneously.

Jun 28

Absolutely DO NOT Mention Cannibalism In These Situations

Absolutely DO NOT Mention Cannibalism In These Situations

Getting lost on a hike with one other person, and you neglected to pack a lunch.

Jun 27

The Angel, Devil, And Michael Barbaro On Your Shoulder

The Angel, Devil, And Michael Barbaro On Your Shoulder

From The New York Times, he’s your conscience.

Jun 26

We Did A Thing!

We Did A Thing!

Eric and I did our thing in front of the Thing from the 1982 Kurt Russell horror movie.

Jun 25

The Importance Of Venting At Therapy

The Importance Of Venting At Therapy

For those with a lot to get off their chests.

Jun 25

Old-Timey Ballplayer Or Indie Band?

Old-Timey Ballplayer Or Indie Band?

#23. Buttercup Dickerson

Jun 24

10 Idioms To Never Say Around Me In This Economy

10 Idioms To Never Say Around Me In This Economy

“A penny saved is a penny earned”…do you hear yourself?

Jun 23

In My Era Of Basketball, People Were Committing War Crimes

In My Era Of Basketball, People Were Committing War Crimes

Let me tell you something about basketball these days: it’s unwatchable.

Jun 22

The Mug

Two office alphas. One stain. Zero mercy.

Danielle Gruber

Jun 21

FOX News Headlines If Jaws Characters Belonged To Marginalized Groups

FOX News Headlines If Jaws Characters Belonged To Marginalized Groups

By Emily Menez & Kevin Maher

Jun 20

I Am Ryan Reynolds And One Day I Will Take Over Your Shitty Little Soccer Club

I Am Ryan Reynolds And One Day I Will Take Over Your Shitty Little ...

I will personally see to it that I take it over, and become its king

Jun 20

Need Our Sensible Private Browsing Features? Just Click This Cartoon Pervert Icon

Need Our Sensible Private Browsing Features? Just Click This Cartoo...

Jun 19

Readers’ Comments On How To Make The Perfect Hard-Boiled Egg

Readers’ Comments On How To Make The Perfect Hard-Boiled Egg

Weird and unhelpful observations welcome.

Jun 18

Bad, Bad Boys Of The White House

Bad, Bad Boys Of The White House

A brief history of the White House’s naughtiest dogs

Jun 17

I Became A Sex Worker To Get An Amazon Review For My New Book.

I Became A Sex Worker To Get An Amazon Review For My New Book.

Anyone who is self-published knows how tough it is to get Amazon reviews.

Jun 17

Don’t Hate Me Because I’m A Nepo Baby, There Are So Many Other Good Reasons

Don’t Hate Me Because I’m A Nepo Baby, There Are So Many Other Good...

I don’t tip. And it’s not like I’m bad at math. I just don’t like having any contact with poor peoples.

Jun 16

Our Internet Is Down, So I’m Left With No Choice But To Go Live In The Wilderness

Our Internet Is Down, So I’m Left With No Choice But To Go Live In ...

I see no other option.

Jun 15

Local Coffee Shop Barista Ranks Customers From Bad To Worst

Local Coffee Shop Barista Ranks Customers From Bad To Worst

#5: The Coffee Bro

Elizabeth is Dead

Jun 14

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