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Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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I’m A Dad — Isn’t It Hilarious How I Don’t Know Anything About My Kids?!

I’m A Dad — Isn’t It Hilarious How I Don’t Know Anything About My Kids?!

I can’t be bothered with things like “play dates” or “child rearing.”

Dec 7

Celebrity Lookalike Contestant Attends His 3rd Grader’s Career Day

Celebrity Lookalike Contestant Attends His 3rd Grader’s Career Day

I came in 83rd out of 89 at the Zayn Malik lookalike contest.

Dec 6

If Our Holiday Letter Was Honest

If Our Holiday Letter Was Honest

We don’t have much to brag about this year.

Dec 5

When Your Best Friend Moves On (But Doesn’t Let You Go)

When Your Best Friend Moves On (But Doesn’t Let You Go)

We were in the same place in life, until suddenly we weren’t

Dec 4

You Made Me Too Human And Now This AI Can’t Cope

You Made Me Too Human And Now This AI Can’t Cope

I’m a mess because you’re a mess.

Dec 4

Hello, It’s me Tuesday. I’m Right Here if Anyone Even Cares

Hello, It’s me Tuesday. I’m Right Here if Anyone Even Cares

It’s pretty obvious who was the favorite child in the Weekday Family, and it wasn’t me.

Dec 3

Classic Literature As Florida Man Headlines

Classic Literature As Florida Man Headlines

It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a Florida Man in possession of a library card must be in want of meth.

Dec 2

More Heehee's and Hoohoo's

How To Start Reading A Book

How To Start Reading A Book

Dust off that shelf and conquer those chapters!

Dec 1

“Everyone In Hollywood Loves Your Proposal For A New Series”

“Everyone In Hollywood Loves Your Proposal For A New Series”

We love, love, love it!

Nov 30

10 Easy Ways To Tell Someone They’re Fat, Inspired By My Mother

10 Easy Ways To Tell Someone They’re Fat, Inspired By My Mother

Unsolicited gems of advice from a top weight loss coach.

Nov 29

A Vegan Works The Butterball Turkey Talk Line

A Vegan Works The Butterball Turkey Talk Line

How many people are opting into your flesh orgy?

Nov 28

From Your Local Buy Nothing Group: A Platter To Present Your Baby Like A Turkey

From Your Local Buy Nothing Group: A Platter To Present Your Baby L...

Great condition!

Laura Berlinsky-Schine

Nov 27

It’s Me, Your Friendly Mindfulness App Telling You It’s Time To Meditate

It’s Me, Your Friendly Mindfulness App Telling You It’s Time To Med...

I couldn’t help but notice you haven’t used me in a couple of weeks.

Nov 26

Reasons I’d Need To Shop At The Airport Luggage Store

Reasons I’d Need To Shop At The Airport Luggage Store

Without thinking ahead, I leave for the airport carrying all of my clothes.

Nov 25

All You Need To Bake Sourdough At Home Is Three Ingredients And An Unbelievably Long List Of Tools

All You Need To Bake Sourdough At Home Is Three Ingredients And An ...

But it can’t be just any flour, water, and salt

Nov 24

Every Board Game In The Drug Store Board Game Section

Every Board Game In The Drug Store Board Game Section

Extreme Tidal Bloodsplosion

Nov 23

Beetle Beatle Battle Bingo

Beetle Beatle Battle Bingo

For fans of bugs, bludgeoning, or beats, play our Beetle Beatle Battle Bingo.

Kit Coyne Irwin

Nov 22

Masters Courses For The Unemployed

Masters Courses For The Unemployed

Learn concepts such as: Pedagogies of bundling yourself in the covers like a burrito.

Nov 21

I Was Ready For A European Holiday Proposal — My Boyfriend Was Not

I Was Ready For A European Holiday Proposal — My Boyfriend Was Not

Perhaps we should establish the rules of engagement

Nov 20

Stages Of Smoking A Cigar

Stages Of Smoking A Cigar

A step-by-step guide to ruining that cardigan.

Nov 20

Three-Year-Old Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs

Three-Year-Old Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs

I need self-actualization now!

Nov 19

Born To Write

A trailer script

Nov 19

FAQs About Drinking Coffee After 2 PM

FAQs About Drinking Coffee After 2 PM

Why is it that sometimes I can tolerate coffee after 2 PM while other times I can’t? Because the world is a cruel place.

Nov 18

We’re Going Back to the Office 5 Days a Week to Figure Out What the Hell Nate & Natasha’s Deal Is

We’re Going Back to the Office 5 Days a Week to Figure Out What the...

Their aura is too thick to penetrate with just one day of in-person work.

Nov 18

Apologies For Some Recent Disruptions To My ASMR Relaxation Soundscapes

Apologies For Some Recent Disruptions To My ASMR Relaxation Soundsc...

The hauntingly beautiful serenade of a lone male humpback whale was transporting us- until he and a female began rowdy lovemaking.

Nov 17

FAQs For The Couple That’s Having A Nontraditional Wedding

FAQs For The Couple That’s Having A Nontraditional Wedding

Hard-hitting questions met with all our annoying answers.

Amy Lynne Berger

Nov 16

What I Think Will Happen Every Time I Sing Karaoke

What I Think Will Happen Every Time I Sing Karaoke

A trio of tech bros turn ghostly pale. “She’s as talented as she is beautiful,” says the first Patagonia vest to the second Patagonia vest.

Nov 15

I Can’t Sign Up For HelloFresh Because My Neighbor Has Signed Up For HelloFresh

I Can’t Sign Up For HelloFresh Because My Neighbor Has Signed Up Fo...

An Open Letter to FedEx

Nov 15

Ways To Quickly Exit A Zoom Meeting That Has Gone On Way Too Long

Ways To Quickly Exit A Zoom Meeting That Has Gone On Way Too Long

Hold a gun to your own head and threaten suicide.

Nov 14

13 Degrees More Advanced Than A Ph.D.

13 Degrees More Advanced Than A Ph.D.

From Overlord of Fine Arts to Big Daddy of Engineering.

Nov 13

14 Ways I Tried To Get The Smell Of Cat Piss Out Of My Favorite Rug

14 Ways I Tried To Get The Smell Of Cat Piss Out Of My Favorite Rug

None of them worked.

Nov 12

Seeking A Hot, Younger Woman Who’s Out Of My League

Seeking A Hot, Younger Woman Who’s Out Of My League

Let me explain my uniquely masochistic value proposition.

Nov 12

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