You are never alone
What many of my friends, family and readers of my weekly newsletter know, I’ve had a pretty tough year. There were two big unexpected accidental deaths — the best man from our wedding and then a very very close friend of mine passed away and in between those two incidents in November and April, my family’s mountain home caught on fire and burned down on February.
It has sent this year, what I thought I would accomplish and how I thought I would approach 2014, into a tailspin.
I have readily admitted to being sad — really sad — and angry and frustrated and guilty and all sorts of other emotions. Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me afloat has been Piper, the sweet puppy we got mere days before this dark cloud started to hang over my head.
I am not depressed but I have been very sad. I know there is a big difference. I knew even at my deepest and darkest moments that I would climb out. I knew that I had a lot of people who I loved who loved me back and would help me and be there for me. I have felt lonely but I have not felt alone. I also had the perspective to know it’s not all about me — AT ALL. It’s about the families, widows and young daughters of the friends we’ve lost. I’ve found a lot of comfort in being there for them, in keeping the memory alive of their fathers and of directing my energy towards what I could do to help.
A lot of what I’ve been writing about, what I’m motivated to write about, and how I want to help others is around becoming the person you want to become. Having a good perspective and being positive. Creating prosperity. I think about the people who reach out to tell me that they want to change their lives in some way and ask for tips and advice. When I was 29, I gave up everything to volunteer for a year around the world. That is an extreme, I know. But there are so many ways to make smaller changes in your life to get to the root of you and who you want to be.
Maybe that is a little bit why I am extra moved by Robin Williams’ passing. Because I think back to other times I’ve been despondent about my situation and feeling hopeless. And many times it was because of a job, or a relationship or not being able to see anything through the deep dark fog that I was in.
I have a lot of friends who face depression. And I say “face depression” on purpose. It’s something you have to deal with every day. It’s a disease where everyone needs to work towards their own treatment and survival.
Mental health — how we treat it, how we talk about it, how we fund research into it and how we create public policy around it — needs to be a conversation we are willing to engage with in our society.
When I was in the Congo this past April working with an NGO in microfinance and peace-building through conflict resolution, we talked a lot about the lack of mental health services. It’s an apples to oranges comparison for us in this country but for a moment think about countries that face civil war, rape and childhood slavery. Unfortunately, in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, mental health is not at the top of the list. It’s survival and then safety. A country is told that the war is over but it’s not over for many of the people. They have to find a way to work through their very real PTSD. Mental health issues are not unique to America, they are not First World Problems. They are everyone’s problems. Our flaws are what make us human. Humanity has many flaws. We have to accept and embrace this in order to start to talk about it, deal with it, fund it and works towards solutions.
There have been a lot of thoughtful comments, tweets, posts and articles that I’ve read about Robin Williams depression and suicide and how it affects and touches all of us. Of course his death is a tragedy. So is every death that could be prevented.
I hope in your own reflections this week you think about your situation. Are you sad or do you think it’s something more?Are you clinically depressed? If you’ve turned to drugs, alcohol or other destructive behaviors do you give yourself permission to know what the root cause is? Do you know who your support system is?
If you don’t have the answers to any of these questions, give yourself time — even just a few minutes — to think about it. Working our way through darkness requires a leap of faith and that first step forward.
I have spent a lot of time this year in that deep reflective state. Sometimes it feels amazing to look in and sometimes I feel worse than when I started. But I can’t give in and I can’t give up. Too many people are counting on me. How do I know that? Because they’ve told me. I hold those confessions close to my heart in my greatest sorrow to help lead me to my greatest triumphs.
You are not alone. A lot of big decisions in life you have to make yourself, but that does not mean you are alone. If you’re reading this you have me. You have other people in your community. You have people who love you.
If you’re ever in doubt, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1.800.273.8255.
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This essay originally appeared on my newsletter at The Causemopolitan.
