Sorry I’m a bit late.

February 27th, 2013

I sent Andy the email. I tried very hard to word it so that it wouldn’t read as an ultimatum. I’ve found that those don’t work very well. He read it and we had a brief discussion a day later where he expressed that he was “trying” to be supportive and that he was working on having an open mind. I took this as an excellent sign. It is very hard to change overnight, and most of the time when people do, it’s dis-genuine. Andy is my best friend and while we don’t always see eye to eye, I love and value the honesty we have between one another. This is why I decided to tell him that Lee Kyle and I were going to begin our own version of “trying.” Perhaps, I just told him a little late.

After the dinner debacle, I texted Lee Kyle to see if he was still game. When he responded with an enthusiastic yes, I went ahead and looked at my fertility schedule. Back in the day, women used to have to write a bunch of dates down, take their temperature every morning (without moving too much) and chart their cervical fluid to determine their most fertile days. Yes, you read that right, cervical fluid. While all of these methods are still very useful, I went with what the cool kids are doing, I used an app. Yes, there are several apps for charting your period and thus your fertility. While the app method probably isn’t as accurate as the harder work, it seemed to be a good tactic for me. I had, over the past year, used a few of those ovulation predictor urine tests, and dagnabbit if the app on my phone wasn’t pretty accurate down to a day or so, in predicting my ovulation. I had employed these tests after a friend explained to me that a normal, regular menstrual period is still not 100% indicative of actual ovulation. (If we are being 100% honest, those urine tests aren’t completely indicative either — but tend to be correct most of the time.) It appeared that my next fertile window happened to begin on the 26th of February, Andy’s birthday. Surprise!

Because I am an organized individual, who likes to plan things, I had already ordered some fertility supplies for artificial insemination. You can find these goods on the internet for less than $30 and my package included: three sterile collection cups, three needle-less (oral) syringes, six ovulation urine tests and three pregnancy tests. According to the internet, I was to have my donor ejaculate into the cup (porn not provided on this site). I was then to use one of the oral syringes to suction up all the sperm, lie on my back and “bathe” my cervix in the semen. At this point orgasm is an option, and suggested (um, yes!); followed by lying on your back with your hips slightly raised and/or your legs up against a wall for 30 minutes. Sounded easy enough, if not a little awkward.

I explained this process to Lee Kyle and we made arrangements for him to come over Tuesday February 26th through Monday March 4th for about an hour every afternoon. I was a bit nervous, but more intrigued than anything. My nervousness stemmed from an online forum explaining in graphic detail that if you depressed the syringe too quickly, you would spray jizz everywhere. I was nervous about not fucking this up, since I would be alone when the magic happened.

Last year I went all out for Andy’s birthday and organized a roast complete with comedy, burlesque and drag performances. This year, he wanted something simpler, so we planned a party at his bar. I had my cousin make him an amazing Grumpy Cat cake and we invited about 35 people to join us. I waited until the afternoon of his party to tell him that Lee Kyle and I would be starting our sexual science experiment. It went something like this, “Oh hey, I might be running a few minutes late tonight because Lee Kyle and I have plans. He’s gonna come over and whack off then leave, and I’m going to inject his sperm in me and lie around for 30 minutes. I’m going to try to have my makeup done beforehand because it shouldn’t get messed up.” Andy was like, “Okay.” He’s a man of brevity.

So it began. I took a picture of me right before we started and one of him handling the accoutrements. It wasn’t too awkward for either of us, and I must say I was impressed with Lee Kyle’s first deposit. After he used my bedroom in privacy and presented me with the cup o’ life, I walked him out and got to business. It wasn’t nearly as complicated as I expected and I managed to bathe only my cervix and not my bedroom with sperm. After the product placement, I perused the internet for porn, settled on something starring Aletta Ocean and masturbated. That took no time at all, then I lied there, feeling very relaxed and attempted to read a book on enlightenment (I don’t want this baby addicted to porn from birth.) Although I have had sperm in me many, many, many times before, it was never with a purpose. I felt energized and excited about the potential outcome of this surreal situation.

Thirty minutes passed, and I got up and dressed for the occasion. My ride, a dear friend Cody was running late. I scolded him teasingly, “Great, not only am I showing up filled with another man’s jizz but you’re making me super late for my boyfriend’s party.” When we finally did arrive, Lee Kyle and Andy were eating crawfish pasta together and both seemed as happy to see me, as I was to see them. Things felt right and the evening turned out to be a success in many ways.