You’re Not Who You Were (Neither are They)
Why I forgave my mom who chose my alcoholic abusive stepdad over us
“Forgive the past. It is over. Learn from it and let go. People are constantly changing and growing. Do not cling to a limited, disconnected, negative image of a person in the past. See that person now. Your relationship is always alive and changing.”
― Brian Weiss
Just for today…
Forgive someone.
When I was 14 years old, on a cold and rainy night in Northern California, my alcoholic abusive stepfather was on a binge.
He hid my mom’s car keys behind the couch and didn’t know I had been watching him while they fought. After he hit my mom, the fear that my brother and I were next quickly kicked in and I packed our clothes into garbage bags, grabbed the car keys from behind the couch and we slipped out the front door.
After putting my brother and the clothes in the car and the keys in the ignition, I went back in for my mom.
She was sitting on the couch crying and he was in the kitchen. I whispered to her that I found the keys and my brother was in the car. I slowly opened the front door and quietly closed it behind us.
We got in the car and my mom locked the doors and started the car. It was an old car that made a high-pitch squealing noise when it started. I was so nervous my stepdad would hear. I reached into the back to make sure my brother was buckled in and then buckled myself in.
She turned on the headlights and there he was, standing in front of the car.
He started yelling for her to get out of the car and banging on the hood. He gave my mom an ultimatum — she had to choose him or my brother and I.
I can still remember his crazy eyes.
Easy choice. “Let’s go mom, let’s get the fuck out of here!”
She turned the car off.
She chose him.
My brother and I went to live with my father full-time from that moment onward.
I disowned my mom from that moment onward.
What kind of mother does that?
When I was 28, I took a personal development course that encouraged me to forgive her. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it freed me.
It’s been 15 years since I forgave her and our relationship is great. I’m happy she has a relationship with my children. She came out to visit a month ago and my sons had the time of their lives.
On the way to the airport to drop her off we had a deep conversation. She confessed that she felt my sharing of that story about my stepfather in my book, Better Goals, paints her in a negative light.
She had her reasons for the choice she made and she shared those with me. Although I don’t agree, it was nice to have the conversation. It’s taken 15 years for us to hash it out properly.
15 years from the time I forgave her.
Sometimes these things take time.
No matter how long it takes, it only starts the moment you choose to forgive.
Let the rest play out as it may.
You can forgive for something big or small. Something you’ve held onto for a long time or a short time.
You can even just forgive them without telling them you did. Bonus points if you do tell them.
What you get from doing this is priceless.
Unless that price is happiness of course.
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