along came a
spider. like an old lady standing on a chair with her dress hiked up over her knees — a mouse squirreling underfoot — i totally freak. ok. i like spiderMAN (andrew garfield’s perfect ass-in-spidey-suit) but i’ve never met an itsy bitsy spider i didn’t want to crush into unrecognizable parts. my personal buddha takes a back seat to psychopathy on this one. case in point: got two new kittens. i feed them separately for obvious reasons. it’s time for new water in their happy bowl. as i fill it up, a towering brown n yellow creature skitters into the aluminum sink all spikey-legged and ferocious. i’m in Mirkwood Forest without a ring of invisibility. (in the theater i covered my eyes.) the bastard’s legs are speed freak nimble. it wants to bite me i’m sure. i go into brain lock and dump kitty water from the bowl onto his tap-tap-tappy daddy long legs. this guy is at least two inches in diameter and an inch plus tall. he is not deterred by kitty water. not one bit. he darts at me like he’s on spider skates. i twist the spigot, yank it to ‘hot’ and spray the thing and an inch plus tall. he is not deterred by kitty water. not one bit. he darts at me like he’s on spider skates. i twist the spigot, yank it to ‘hot’ and spray the thing until he is gradually forced into and down the drain. i see his legs clawing for dear life — tick tick tick, pincers on high alert. i imagine i can see his ‘face’ grimace in pain. i let the steaming spray continue for long minutes until he is entirely hopefully dead and gone. later i look up brown n yellow spiders on google. they are house spiders and completely harmless. chalk one up for the nazi in my berlin dna.
This is an excerpt from my book, The Paragraphs — Cutlass Press
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