The Toxic Idea of The “Real Man”
Don’t be a “real man”.
Humor me for a moment if any of the following sounds familiar to you.
Real men don’t cry, real men dont show weakness, real men make all the decisions, real men are stoic like a rock.
These are just some of the ideas toxic masculinity promotes and if you’re not sure what this all means, let me provide you with some context on the subject:
Toxic masculinity or the idea of being a “real man” refers to harmful behavior and attitudes commonly associated with some men, such as the need to repress emotions during stressful situations by being stoic, to act in an aggressively dominant way, to not engage in “soft” tasks such as households or chores, or being promiscuous.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m neither a feminist nor am I calling masculinity toxic. Masculinity in and of itself is not toxic at all, it’s the wrong ideas and the way some people misinterpret the idea of being a “real man” that can be very destructive.
“Boys Don’t Cry”
In high school, I remember being the only 15-year-old guy who would cry in front of everyone in the classroom when my teachers slapped me or hit me with a stick (Pakistani teachers, you know.) I also remember my friends who cringed at me when I’d cry; none of them actually said it to my face but I’d notice most of my guy friends keeping their distance from me and gossiping around my masculinity since I would cry as a male.
I'm sure you're aware of this nasty, caveman stereotype that men are strong and that they show fewer emotions while women are soft, gentle creatures who spill feelings all over the place. This toxic idea is great for labeling and categorizing people quickly, but they tend to be very shortsighted and wrong.
There’s no reason to not cry just because you happen to be male. You still have feelings, you are allowed to laugh so why not cry.
Emotionally abusing a male by putting social pressure on him and making him feel guilty for actually crying is very wrong and is subjugating the male, it encourages depression and suicide tendencies, as well as anger issues. The fact that males continue to suppress their feelings, and to torment those who do show their emotions, ensures that this wrongness will continue.
Jor-El Caraballo a mental health professional and co-founder of Viva Wellness, a holistic wellness center advises:
“Try not to lean into gendered assumptions such as telling boys to ‘shake it off’ but letting girls cry when they are hurt or upset. Girls — or rather people socialized as such — are generally given many more opportunities to tap into their internal emotional lives and share feelings with others.”
These gender stereotypes also kill vulnerability; as a man, you can’t show hurt because you aren't a real man if you cry, your male tears are a symbol of your weakness, as a real man you need to hide your emotions and be stoic like a rock.
Real men DO cry. A real man is not afraid of what other people may say when he does cry, and he does not refuse to cry out of shame or fear of how others may see him.
A person crying when they are in grief or pain is normal — for both genders, and should only ever be seen as natural and normal. To not be able to cry is abnormal, just as being afraid to cry for fear of abuse when one does, is highly stressful and this abuse is highly traumatic.
Men who are told to suppress emotions because it’s “un-masculine” will not only have a difficult time expressing or identifying emotions with a partner, they also struggle when it comes to developing as a caretaker.
“Man Up”
Yeah, whatever the fuck that means.
Men are often expected to man up when faced with challenges, even when they're taking on serious mental health issues or complex problems. This leads to many of them not asking for help early enough, reinforcing the tradition of men asking for help when it’s often too late.
This idea also makes most guys believe that it’s mandatory to be “masculine,” or “man enough.” Being a “real man” is understood to be an achieved status that has to be proved. We need to understand that telling a guy to “man up” or “be a man about it” or “not act like such a girl” can be an amazingly powerful insult that has grave consequences. As the award-winning author, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie puts it:
“By far the worst thing we do to males — by making them feel they have to be hard — is that we leave them with very fragile egos.”
Being hard and tough, acting and speaking in a certain fashion, being in control all the time — these are just some of the instructions that are imposed upon men from a young age, whether it comes from a harsh father who pushes the mainstream expectations on his son, or the society in general.
We need to help young men and boys understand that they don’t have to follow the obsolete stereotypes of masculinity if we want to reduce antisocial behavior, mental health struggles, suicides, gender-based crime, and domestic violence.
Complete Dominance and Power
Being strong, forceful, and dominant are just some of the attributes that are associated with the stereotypical idea of masculinity. This “complete dominance” mindset leads men into believing that they should be tough and always in control, it also portrays women as lesser, or even malicious and dishonest to them.
This sexist norm brings with it a grave problem:
Societies characterized by male dominance and systemic gender inequality have higher levels of violence against women.
This means that men who conform to the “real men” practices and ideals are more likely to hit, abuse, coerce, and sexually harass women compared to men who see women as their equals. Not only that, but men who believe in sexual entitlement to women’s bodies or in rape myths are also more likely than other men to rape women.
Conclusion
The good news is that as society is questioning some of these longstanding norms and stereotypical structures attached to masculinity, men are evolving too; today’s men are more civilized and aware of these ideas but looking at the bigger picture, we still have a long way to go.
If you observe closely, you will surely come across subtle forms of toxic masculinity at play all around you — whether it’s a high school bully or that guy who brags about the number of women he’s slept with. Most people may dismiss these “real men” behaviors as innocent or “not a big deal” but everyone needs to realize that these subtle acts of toxic masculinity inevitably give birth to harassment, sexism, homophobia, violent outbursts,, and many other problems.
You don’t need to be a “real man” or prove your masculinity.
