I Love That My Mother Didn’t Love Me
My mother no longer loved me but I found love and healing for myself
I do not seek sympathy
I am grateful for everyone who entered my life. My mother was a painful lesson of growth. Her acceptance of me would have been a lovely gift, was not to be.
I needed to learn some self-love.
My mother grew up in an abusive environment. I know she had little self-esteem or love for herself because she always cared more about what others thought of her and maintained the external image of the ‘perfect’ family.
I thought our family was perfect until I realised it was far from it. Would you know abuse is abuse if you don’t know differently?
I learned we were far from loving in my thirties when I had two small children.
There was an intensity of love I felt for them, and it was not in me to destroy their sweet souls with hurtful comments. Seeing the light in my two children, and encouraging them to always shine brightly.
I recall days when I worked as a bridal make-up artist visiting the brides on the morning of their wedding day. I observed the love and respect of the families (not always), but it made me start to question our dysfunction.
My relationship with my mother wasn’t always bad. We baked together, and she taught me to cook when a small child. I loved it when she collected me from school or made a special birthday cake.
We enjoyed shopping together, and she always encouraged me to choose my outfits; We loved sharing a bag of salt and vinegar crisps in the car after a food shop.
The fire would be burning when I came home from weekly swimming class as I would fall asleep blissfully on the rug until the lovely dinner she always prepared was ready.
Then I became a teenager, as though Mum didn’t know how to do teenagers (do any of us). My elder sister left home as soon as she could, and my aunt moved in with us at the age of fourteen and left too.
I was eleven when Mum had my baby sister. I remember the day she gave birth to her. I recall feeling shocked by the exhausted look on her face.
She was never the same woman again. For the rest of her life, she continued to smoke more and more, needing to sleep most days, and then she discovered drinking too.
My younger sister demanded a lot from my parents; they would give her anything she wanted and more, just for a quiet life.
My mother smoked excessively in the years to come, becoming highly critical and judgemental, never happy. Nobody could make her happy; she found fault in everyone, especially me.
There is only so much scapegoating a young girl can take, and I turned to drinking and smoking at thirteen.
I went on to develop an eating disorder and had a violent and abusive boyfriend at sixteen who treated me with no respect.
This resulted in an accidental pregnancy at the age of eighteen. My mother, initially sympathetic, turned this into her weapon of choice when she was ready to break me down. I would sob uncontrollably and then watch her lips curl into a smile as she watched me cry.
My dear father passed after a long illness in 2011, and I was heartbroken. Dad had always been there for me. By this point, my relationship with my mother had been dead for a long time.
On losing my father, my mother and younger sister pulled rank, and I felt isolated, grief-stricken, stressed, and lost weight. Attempting to process these emotions brought memory loss, which generated a whole other set of judgments and criticisms from people.
The article below by James Boylan relates to discovering your higher power and spirituality during the healing process.
Healing
Then life began to improve. Seeking help everywhere I could get it, I consumed spiritual books, developed psychic and clairvoyance skills, and sought to heal because sinking any lower was not an option.
I wrote my mother one final letter recalling positive memories and requesting a relationship based on equal values and respect. I never heard from her again.
The day she died was a relief. I had no more hope of a mother-daughter relationship, and I finally laid it to rest.
It has taken me seven years to heal completely. I have a wonderful supportive husband and the love of our grown-up children.
We moved 445 miles to live remotely in the Scottish Highlands. This place has been my healing and growth sanctuary.
I wake up to fields of highland cattle and nature each morning and go to bed surrounded by whispering trees and twinkling stars shining brightly.
I found the Scottish forests are like my tranquil church where I can run or walk on my own for miles feeling refreshed and renewed. I established my wholeness and love for myself here, realizing how much like nature I am.
Discovering I never needed the love of my mother or anyone else. I let go of attachments to worldly things, instead finding my self-worth and love.
The love was always in me, waiting to be discovered. I had to learn to dive into the depths of myself to recover the treasure already within.
I dedicate this piece to my late mother, Jean. I am grateful and full of gratitude for the heartache I went through now, and I pray she found peace and freedom on the other side of the veil.
Lisa Precious — Creator of Smiley Blue is an entrepreneur, trainer, and spiritual mentor.
