5 Ways To Care For Yourself When Your Child Has Mental Health Challenges
There is no doubt about it — parenting isn’t always easy. Although it can be filled with amazing and rewarding moments as you watch your child grow, gain independence and learn life skills, the obstacles and challenges can also make it tough work.
What happens when your child is unhappy? Perhaps you’re worried about their behaviour. What if they have an illness? Maybe it’s an illness invisible to everyone else — one where only you see the pain and yet you have no idea how to ease it. You desperately worry and wish you could take every ounce of upset and discomfort away from them, as you sit in agony and watch it all unfold beneath your eyes.
Parenting self-doubt
Many parents wrestle with what it means to have a child with a mental illness. Unfortunately, stigma, ignorance and discrimination shame us all, including parents.
Self-doubting questions automatically bubble to the surface: Am I a bad parent? Have I failed my child? Is there anything I could have done differently? What did I do wrong? Why did I not spot this earlier?
The reality is you are not alone in supporting your child with a mental health challenge.
1 in every 5 children and youth have some type of mental health problem.
But most who need professional help will sadly not receive it with just 1 in 6 children and youth accessing the help they need. It’s hard to imagine only 1 in 6 children with a broken arm getting treatment.
A challenge to your parenting instincts
The truth is, for many parents, the battle with your child’s mental illness does not stop at their diagnosis, the journey continues as you learn to live and manage it.
Basic parenting principles do not work for a child with mental health challenges, and often parents feel stuck, aggravating the child and the situation further. It’s not easy to learn how, when and where to communicate with a child who is in the midst of a mental illness crisis. This side of parenting requires great time, trial and error, reflection, patience and support.
Family life can be derailed and altered when caring for a child with a mental illness, without the chance to process what is unfolding or grieve what you miss about your relationship with your child
High-intensity emotions full to the brim with sensitivity, guilt and failure have to be tempered with, as you are called upon to be a calm and consistent parent for your child. Regardless of whether the issue is ADHD, self-harm, depression, anxiety or an eating disorder, your loved one and their illness need your time and attention.
Here are 5 quick reminders of how you can support yourself as you help your child manage their mental illness:
- Do not blame yourself.
It is upsetting and worrying to watch your child experience a difficult time, particularly as children often take out their frustrations on those closest to them, adding additional stress to your relationship. Don’t resort to self-blame, instead focus on the fact you are trying your best and mental illness has no ‘one-size-fits-all’ band-aid.
2. Nurture the painful memories.
Personal past emotions may surface if you had a difficult time growing up or have had mental health problems.
You may experience conflicting feelings along the way, and that’s okay. Remember this is a journey and a process. Use the many resources out there to help both you and your child. The most important thing you can do is to love and support your child.
3. Say “yes” to help from family and friends.
Friends and family often want to help so don’t be afraid to ask. Be proactive and direct them in ways they can help you best e.g. help with looking after other children in the family, transportation to medical or therapy appointments, respite care to give you a well-deserved break to rest or perhaps even a chance to sit down with a coffee and chat. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
4. Take a moment for yourself.
Just like the airplane emergency adage: take care of yourself first, before you help someone else. Self-care is not selfish. You cannot competently help your child and family if you feel overwhelmed and exhausted.
Try to make some time for a little exercise or enjoy a hobby for your own mental health. Even a night at home on the couch with a friend, accompanied by Netflix or your favourite dinner can help.
5. Talk to someone.
If things are getting you down, it’s important to recognize this. Make time to chat with a friend or confidante to share your thoughts and feelings in order to lessen the social and emotional isolation you may be experiencing. Consider accessing therapy from a mental health care professional for yourself. The best way we can help our children is to be well enough ourselves to support them with what they need to grow and develop.
It is not easy to manage your own emotions when you’re in a constant state of extreme worry. It can be helpful to reflect on your coping and parenting skills with a mental health care professional. They can carry your hope on the days you cannot.
Parenting through the storm
Gayle Grass wrote in her piece, Words of wisdom on Children’s Mental Health, for the RBC Children’s Mental Health Project.
“As parents, we all share a common goal. Our stories are all the same. We love our children and only want to make them better. We are no different than a parent who has a child with cancer, diabetes, multiple sclerosis or cystic fibrosis. We are devastated when we hear the diagnosis and look toward the medical community for answers. We look for answers and understanding of the illness. We ask what resources there are in the community to support us. We look to the schools for programs and support.”
Parenting a child with a mental illness is hard — no shiny gift bow can ever be placed on top of the box to make it look better. And then one day you will look at your child, who has suffered in a way you couldn’t even begin to imagine, struck with pride and awe at how strong they were to have lived through the storm. And then you will smile knowing they managed this feat because you did everything in your power to support and hold their hand along the way. You are amazing, too!
Download Snapclarity to get the support you need, when you need it.
