My Year As Kanye

I Lived 365 Days as Kanye West — Here’s What I Learned

Fall Asleep Anywhere

Now that I live my life as Kanye I learned that no one on earth is as important as I am so why bother staying awake for them? My time is valuable and only I am allowed to waste it. Peasants do not deserve my full attention, energy, or even my “woke” state. I now sleep anywhere, like King Kanye himself. Though I do imagine that Kanye is sleeping on lounge chairs worth more than the college I was repeatedly kicked out of, the idea is the same. Besides, I make a cardboard mat look good. When you as woke as we are, sometimes you deserve a good nap.

You Don’t Make Mistakes

Life as Kanye is best described as #winning. All we ever do is win. Even though Kanye is $53 million dollars in debt and Mark Zuckerberg denied Yeezy’s tweet-ask of $1 billion to continue his meaningful art. Some people might look at this as a loss — even an embarrassment. But not when you are Kanye. 365 days of never making mistakes has been so empowering for me. My husband left me and my children hate me but I know I am just a persecuted messenger here on earth and they aren’t ready for the genius I have to offer.

Looking — not being Poor — is Cool!

After Yeezus himself released his fashion line, I realized the value of looking broke and sad. If you don’t “get” it, it’s not for you. It’s art. For Kanye and me, it is more than just looking like a survivor who just stumbled out from the rubble of a post-apocalyptic world — you also need to look like you wish you didn’t survive. Or at least like you wouldn’t care either way. The $625 plain black hoodie was the only thing I could afford to wear for my year as Kanye. I was so excited when it was delivered but made sure to look miserable.

Be Too Busy Writing History To Read It

You don’t have time to learn when you are the Great Teacher — just ask all of history’s greatest minds: Einstein, Michelangelo, and Kim’s butt. Einstein didn’t need to know how to tie his shoes to… do whatever he did. Kim’s butt didn’t ask permission before breaking the internet. Asking questions is for idiots. Some people say, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.” This is wrong. Every question is a stupid question. I know everything already. I now give my opinion on everything — even things I’ve never heard of before. I don’t need a book to know I am an expert on life.

Love Yourself

You are the best. Ever. Period. Be your own #1 fan. Ain’t no one going to love you like you are going to love you.

Keep Them Guessing

Kanye is successful and productive. He is an unbeatable musical genius of earth-shattering quality — I often wonder if he is an alien because he’s just so beyond. We don’t deserve him, I know we can all agree. We all he know he does great things and continues to do them but none of us know how. He is an enigma, a mystery. Sometimes he can barely form a coherent sentence but he also has 21 Grammy awards soooooo. I’ve learned to keep people — and myself — asking. Where will my next meal come from? Why does that guy keep throwing rocks at me? What’s that lump on my neck? I don’t know and I don’t need to.

Watch Tron

So hype.