Ten ways I spent the six-hour Facebook outage
Got some things done
Jeffrey Denny
1. Finished my bucket list. Went to Home Depot and bought a milk pail.
2. Practiced the Dutch art of niksen. No, this is not Vermeer-ish portraits of our last president to be impeached just once. Niksen “literally means to do nothing, to be idle or doing something without any use.” There are countless books about the benefits of practicing niksen. Ironically, they’re written by people who are busy writing about niksen. People reading books about niksen are also busy reading them. Reading and writing about niksen is not niksen.
3. Reached out to family and friends. Why don’t people answer their goddamned phones anymore? Or maybe they saw my number come up and let me go to voice mail, which was full and not taking any more messages after my 10th message? Message received.
4. Spent time on LinkedIn. Apparently, this site frowns on posting brilliant political commentary and insults to rile outrage addicts. And where are the amazing animal videos like where a moose and a squirrel are actually friends in real life, not just in the cartoons?
5. Experienced sensory deprivation. What my internet science research turned up is true: Benefits include muscle relaxation, better sleep, decreased pain, stress and anxiety, mild euphoria, increased well-being, improved concentration and focus, and feeling more optimistic. Also, psychosis, hallucinations and delusions. So what are convicts in solitary confinement so gripey about?
6. Sat on hold with Sprint customer service. I thought the Facebook outage was a problem with my phone. I should have hung up after five hours of listening to the hold music but the voice kept saying my call was very important to them, please stay on the line and someone would be with me shortly. Then after five hours they hung up on me.
7. Learned Italian. When in Rome strolling the Via Veneto, whatever anyone says, for instance, “Fuori dalla strada, stronzojust!” (“Get out of the road, asshole!”), simply reply, “prego!” Or “grazi!” “Mi scusi, non parlo Italiano, perché non parli americano?” also works.
8. Took up smoking. To ease my withdrawal from Facebook outrage addiction.
9. Rediscovered nature. Found out what that chirping noise outside was. Birds! Not the angry cartoon ones, but real ones! Like in those amazing animal videos on Facebook where a pigeon is best friends with a guy from New Jersey at the beach and they share a French fry and a cigarette.
10. Wrote this. Yep, it was that bad.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.
