The Thinking Person’s Guide to Getting Married
10 pre-marital tips for couples
So, you are a really nice person, extremely polite, kind, and you did well at school. You love your family and you go out of your way to walk your sister’s dog, or take your mom out for her birthday. And now you are getting married. And your future spouse is also an awesome person. Great. This looks like it is going to be easy, right?
Yes, but also no.
Regardless of how well-read, well-adjusted, and overall good person you are, chances are that being in a committed relationship with all it’s unique aspects will take you both by surprise.
Every couple should take a hard look at what marriage is actually like — and possibly get some advice before they jump in. Here are some helpful things that I encourage couples to consider:
1. Be really committed
This sounds like a no-brainer. But it is probably the most important aspect of a relationship. When you argue with your spouse, you are arguing with the person you will be seeing every day. Every single day. This changes things, does it not? Well, somewhat. First, knowing this person will be there every day makes arguing seem even more necessary “He needs to know!” you think to yourself, or “this is too important to let go!” Well, that is true. Being understood is important. The second thought you may have is: “I can’t believe I screamed at someone I love so much!” Yea. That happens, too. In fact, you probably never act as mature and also as immature as you do when you argue with your partner. And that is ok. Why? Because you are committed.
Major caveat
There cannot ever be any abuse. Just as commitment is required for a relationship, so should the specter of abuse be completely banished. Abuse can be both physical and emotional. It has no place in any relationship.
2. Be really nice
There is a difference between saying how you feel and saying how you feel by putting the other person down. Be nice because you can and because you want to. This is your partner, and regardless of what they have done or said, it is totally up to you whether you want to be the nicer, bigger, more loving partner. Even if this means that you say “Sorry” more often or are the first to soften your tone. This is not a competition. And if your partner is not as soft or nice, they might be after they witness your efforts at doing so. Being nice is a win-win.
3. Clear the decks
Never keep resentments, if at all possible. A resentment is like a slowly boiling pot of anger. Even when you are happy, angry thoughts are simmering in the background: not healthy for you, not fair towards your partner, and not healthy for the marriage. According to Dr. John Gottman, the relationship researcher who has gathered decades of data on couples, this type of resentment can predict the demise of a relationship. So, do not do it. Take the time to talk about it.
4. Talk, even if it does not come out right
Having said all that, the best way to communicate is to talk, and sometimes talking sounds like arguing. And that is also okay. Even if you do not recall any of these tips, remember that it takes people awhile to adjust to marriage, and that the effort counts for something.
5. It is a friendship, first
Couples juggle many roles with one another: friend, confidante, lover, caretaker. All these characters will not always be present. The only one that should be there consistently is the best friend. So, treat one another like friends and all the other roles will take care of themselves. Be present in one another’s lives, know each other’s lives (everything from the complex like dreams, to the mundane like what they had for lunch), take interest in the other’s work, emotions, and dreams.
6. Boundaries
Loyalty and fidelity go without saying. In order to satisfy a lot of the points on this list, you and your spouse must create a zone of safety and security for one another. This means being clear about what behaviors are and are not allowed, and what constitutes appropriate contact with other men or women. Being on the same page, and showing your partner that you have boundaries, builds trust. Being dedicated to the relationship is an ongoing process that requires strength, good character, and honesty with your spouse.
7. It’s a marathon
Practice does make perfect in this case. Set your sights on being old and gray together, not on short term goals like owning a home or having kids. This takes the sting out of the arguments and issues because you have got a common goal and it is very longterm.
8. Compromise
Make the other person feel good by giving in once in awhile. And always forgive your partner for the small indignities and follies that come with daily life. We are all human. We do and say silly things all the time and we require a loving, forgiving friend. This type of love breeds forgiveness in return. A good relationship of two self-aware individuals is self-fulfilling.
9. Be aware of your emotions
So, you are awesome and smart. That is great. But also work on being aware of yourself. If you are keen to the deep inner life that you have, you are more capable to communicate the subtleties of who you are to your partner. And, in turn, you will be more capable of understanding your partner when they reveal something deep and complicated about themselves, their childhood, or any other emotional material along that continuum.
10. Get pre-marital counseling
Marriage is work. Just as you go to your job every day and put in effort, your marriage requires just as much (if not more) effort. In marriage, too, you must show up each day, put in your best effort each day, and work to impress and achieve.
As such, you may need guidance. And if you approach your marriage like it is work, then you realize the importance of mentors and guides. Therapy is mentorship in a safe environment that puts the relationship first (not the individuals). The therapist will not takes sides, but rather help you to listen to one another better, and to help you develop skills that fit into your particular married values.
In many cultures, parents, siblings, and cousins step in to be guides. While this is wonderful, it does not always suit the ideal of marriage. The couples woes are personal, private, and often the ethos within a coupledom is impossible for others to comprehend. What you may seem like as a daughter or son, is not always in line with who you seem like to your wife or husband, for instance. Further, all these wonderful people in your life — while they promise to be impartial — are in no way impartial. They have your best interest at heart, sure, but they do have biases which may not serve the couple as a team.
Going to therapy means you care
Just as working on your marriage is a strength, so too is going to therapy to help bolster marriage once in awhile. Counseling can help “tune up” an already solid marriage. It can also prevent unnecessary break-ups by helping couples through what seem like untenable communication issues. Inherent in being on a long journey is the idea that you will need to keep learning skills. Marriage requires savvy and not everyone comes pre-programmed with all the know-how needed to navigate marriage.
Reference:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2000). The seven principles for making marriage work / John Gottmann and Nan Silver. London : Orion, 2000.
Sanaa Hyder is a psychotherapist practicing in NYC. To learn more about her, visit www.sanaahyder.com
