(You Can) Argue with This
How to Create Boundaries with the People You Love
Part 2 of a 3 part series on Creating Boundaries
Ever had a conversation with your partner that went like this?
You: “You do this all the time, why don’t you call me from the store? You forgot everything on the list.”
Partner: “I got this! I don’t need a list. You don’t need to micromanage me.”
You: “Well, I wouldn’t have to if you listened! I hate it when you say that.”
Or maybe it was a conversation with someone in your family that went something like this:
You: “I shared that personal story with you last night and you didn’t listen, you’re always changing the subject.”
Your sister: “Well, it’s not always about you!”
You: “I’m really offended that you can’t listen to me ever. You don’t care about me.”
Feeling like you are being treated unfairly makes you question everything: your choices, your personality, your education, your job — your entire worth. Especially when the offensive comment comes from someone you care about.
You wonder to yourself: if having all these loving people around me is supposed to be good for me, then why do they make me feel so unsupported sometimes!? That is a great question. Consider this: have you ever told them — clearly — what you expected of them? Have you set boundaries and clearly delineated the way you would like your interactions to occur?
In our personal lives, we interact with people who are extremely close to us — often these are people we do not even recall choosing. Our partners and our families come into our lives as if we dreamt them up. One day we wake up and find ourselves surrounded by people who make demands on us, and who we, in turn, make demands upon. This is a lucky situation to be in — do not get me wrong! We appreciate the loyalty and love we get from those closest to us. But it can also be annoying if we have not delineated our boundaries.
In therapy, boundaries are the beating heart of the relationship between the therapist and the client. The way that therapists relate to clients and vice versa foretells the amount of satisfaction the client will have in communicating their personal stories and feelings. In much the same way, we each build relationships that are of utmost importance to us in our lives….but we do not take the time to set up effective boundaries to deal with the intense communication that must occur between us and all those people. In the best of times it is difficult to tell one another how we feel or what we want. What happens when there is turmoil or conflict?
Boundaries as scaffolding
Boundaries are a way to scaffold the experience between two people. “Boundaries” sound like limitations — but they are not. In fact, boundaries are the opposite of limitation: they open up a safe space between two people who have worked hard at setting up a system for sharing ideas and arguments alike.
Let us reimagine those conversations with boundaries:
You: “Oh, I wanted a few more things from the store so that I didn’t have to go back to the store again this week.”
Your partner: “Oh, really? I may have forgotten some of the things on your list. Oops.”
You: “Do you think you can call me from the store next time? Or take my list? Which works better for you?
Your partner: “Yea, I prefer calling, because I will probably lose the list. And I usually have a pretty good idea of what we need.”
You: “Ok, let’s do that next time. I’ll call you. What shall we do about the milk and the eggs?”
Your partner: “Yea, I can’t believe I forgot those! I’m sorry, I can go back tomorrow if you can wait.”
You: “Yea, I can wait.”
Validation
Having boundaries does not mean that your issues with the people you love magically vanish. What it does mean is that you can get your ideas across to one another by being firm but loving. You do not go in with the expectation that they are purposefully ruining your life. But, rather, that like most humans, they are flawed and also want to be trusted and loved. Try to understand their unique worldview (“I prefer calling”), just as you would want them to understand yours. Hear what the other person is saying and validate their feelings. This means that you clarify and accept that their feelings are true, for them. When you validate someone, you start to see how life might be for them. The other person feels your acceptance and love. Perhaps you may even empathize.
Now let us reimagine the second conversation with boundaries:
You: “I shared a personal story with you last night, and you changed the subject really fast. That made me feel hurt. It made me feel uncared for.”
Your sister: “Oh. I totally care about how you feel. But I also wanted to tell you all about what happened to me.”
You: “I guess we both needed support last night. Maybe next time just tell me that you also need support so that we can both tell our stories. So, should we take turns and try again?”
Your sister: “Okay. You go first! And when you’re done I’ll tell you about my issue.”
In this reimagined scenario, the person is direct about how they feel. They also stay focused on their feelings (“I was hurt”) as opposed to what they did last time which is to make assumptions about the other person (“you didn’t even care”).
The boundaries in this conversation refer to many things: the acceptable language for speaking to a family member, the level and tone of voice, the expectation of respect and love, and the expected empathy. These are the boundaries we may expect our loved ones do not cross. We do not want to be disrespected in the best of times by strangers. We certainly cannot stand it when someone we care about is rude or seems uncaring. Losing a sense of this boundary can be unsettling; as if we have lost our footing on something we have come to trust and count on. This is why boundaries are effective: not to build walls, but to corral the good stuff and to leave out the bad.
The approach
In both conversations, the person approached their loved one with gentleness and curiosity (“which works better for you?”). And in both scenarios a plan is created for how to deal with issues the next time. Both have set up boundaries for how their interactions will take place: they are asking for it explicitly.
Of course, these are imagined scenarios, and they happened to turn out quite well. There are more ways to dissect these conversations, but the point is, approached with love instead of blame, more structure might be built around how to deal with one another’s feelings. It might take awhile to create safe boundaries for a relationship that needs a bit of healing. But, my guess is that if you approach someone by owning your share of the blame, then they may back down, own their blame, and both parties may feel a bit better.
And arguing is also okay! Arguing does not spell out disaster. In fact, as long as it is done decorously, arguing can help people figure out how to set boundaries and to let go of bad feelings that may have built up over time (as long as the arguing does not purposefully cause more damage — and even then it is okay and repairable.)
Connect
If it sounds hard, it is! Telling the people you love your true feelings while you are upset is not easy. Maybe it will take you years of practice, and that is perfectly okay. But you can start making small changes. In fact, working steadily towards a shared goal is in itself a great way to connect. Perhaps when you are both feeling calm you can start setting up your boundary scaffold by talking about what upsets you and what you expect in that moment from the other person in order to feel loved. Then ask your loved one to share with you what their expectations are as well. True connection is always a work in progress. Knowing one another on this deeper level is difficult, but it may lead you to feeling more understood, validated, and also more loved. Structure and boundaries breed freedom and comfort. When we know what to expect from our family and partner, we feel safe and free to say what we want, and to say it in a loving way. We may also find ourselves in the position of actually hearing our loved one’s needs and being able to, finally, give them what they truly want.
A recap:
- Approach the person gently and calmly, if possible
- Say what you feel
- Say what you want
- Get curious about how the other person was feeling and validate them
- Listen to one another (take turns)
- Offer a solution for next time
- Keep practicing this method!
Sanaa Hyder is a psychotherapist practicing in NYC. To learn more about her, visit www.sanaahyder.com
