All the President’s Data:
Woodward and Bernstein return to the Washington Post to investigate the Sanders campaign break-in of the Clinton files stored at the DNC.
FADE IN:
INT. THE SLEEK NEW WASHINGTON POST NEWSROOM
CARL BERNSTEIN and BOB WOODWARD have been called back by Washington Post Editor MARTY BARON to investigate the break-in by the BERNIE SANDERS campaign of HILLARY CLINTON’s voter files which are stored at the Democratic National Committee (DNC) under contract by the company NGP-VAN. WOODWARD is trying and failing to lean on a standing desk and BERNSTEIN is sitting in a fancy Aeron chair that keeps randomly lowering itself while he’s in it.
CARL BERNSTEIN: “Why the fuck are there no phones on any of these desks? Is someone on a fucking treadmill over there? Is this the gym at a Holiday Inn Express or a newsroom?”
BOB WOODWARD: “Focus. This could be big. Apparently the Sanders campaign broke into the Clinton campaign’s files at the DNC.”
BERNSTEIN: “How did they get away?”
WOODWARD: “Apparently they took everything away in a van.”
BERNSTEIN: “What color was the van?”
WOODWARD: “I have no idea.”
BERNSTEIN: “My sources keep using the name NGP, I think that’s the initials of the driver of the van.”
WOODWARD: “Lets get on the police scanner and see if there’s any BOLOs out for any vans or anyone warrants for someone with the initials NGP.”
BERNSTEIN: “The files were in the DNC? In the old file cabinet from the Watergate break-in that they still keep in the basement?”
WOODWARD: “I assume so. You know what they say, the more things change…the more they stay the…wait a minute is Dan Balz floating around the newsroom on a magic carpet?
CHRIS CILLIZZA: “No! That’s a hoverboard!”
WOODWARD: “What on earth is a hoverboard?”
BERNSTEIN: “Who the fuck are you?”
CILLIZZA: “I’m Chris Cillizza, and I’ve written five posts for ‘The Fix’ during this conversation!”
BERNSTEIN: “Isn’t a fix a hit of a drug?”
WOODWARD: “How did you write five pieces in the last five minutes?”
CILLIZZA: “Well we’re starting with just restating of facts and obviousness, like ‘Fired Sander’s Campaign Staffer having bad week’ and ‘Worst week in Washington, guy who got fired.’ Analysis and convention wisdom come in the next fifteen minutes.”
WOODWARD: “Did you have a fix already? Is that why you’re talking so fast?”
CILLIZZA: “Blog posts are my fix.”
BERNSTEIN: “So what exactly got stolen again? Some kind of files? How much paper are we talking here? Boxes? Enough to fill the van?”
CILLIZZA: “Bump, can you explain data and the voter file to all of us?”
PHILIP BUMP: “Fuck this, I’m going to Vox.”
FADE OUT.
