A Modest Proposal for Improving the Nutritional Intake of Infant Orphans
By Using the Dairy Industry as a Model
It is truly terrible to think that there are over 400,000 orphans in the United States alone. Many of these children were abandoned within days of birth, left to feel neither parental love nor the security of a safe home throughout their childhood. Though the suffering endured by these forgotten children is unimaginable, their most unacceptable setback is the lack of breast milk as an infant. This nutritional inadequacy puts these children at a terrible disadvantage — they are less likely to reach a healthy weight and are not provided with antibodies that fight viruses and bacteria. However, what makes this so unacceptable isn’t the mere fact of these ailments, it’s that we ignore an obvious solution to the problem: implementing the practices of the dairy industry on humans.
To see why adopting the practices of the dairy industry is needed, we have to acknowledge that the dairy industry is entirely unnecessary. Though most of us could hardly imagine a life without pizza, ice cream, yogurt, and butter, 68% of the world manages to live a happy and healthy life of lactose intolerance. We don’t need cow’s milk any more than dog’s milk or giraffe’s milk. Now, let’s contrast this to the case of feeding orphans. These unfortunate infants need human breast milk to live happy and healthy lives. How can we justify limiting dairy methods to cows and goats when thousands of innocent children are denied human breast milk every day?
Before we apply their methods to humans, we must also realize that the dairy industry is entirely ethical and humane. The Dairy Farmers of America reassures: “Ensuring [the] animals receive exceptional care is our farmers’ top priority.” Moreover, there are multiple government programs ensuring that the cattle’s welfare is maximized. If dairy practices are acceptable for cows, it is no stretch of the mind to see that they are acceptable for humans as well. Maternal instincts, an incredible capacity for suffering, and a desire to live comfortably are shared across all mammalian species. Thus, any objection to the dairy farming of humans would also apply to cows. But, we know that these practices for cows are entirely ethical, so it follows they are for humans as well.
If the practices of the dairy industry are ethical, we cannot excuse limiting their methods to the production of cow’s milk when we have yet to feed human milk to infant orphans.
As is done to cows, we will first need to artificially inseminate the human female (mammals don’t produce milk unless they recently gave birth). This insemination is a simple process: we will first purchase semen from a sperm bank, and then inject it vaginally into the female. To ensure the fertilization of the egg, we may have to adopt another practice from the dairy industry. Anal penetration of the female and holding the cervix in place will guarantee that the egg is properly fertilized. After insemination, we will bring the female to a house shared with others in the industry, as it is more efficient to keep the process confined to one location. During her pregnancy, we will feed the female adequately, so that she can give birth without complication.
Next in the process concerns the birth of the baby. If the baby is female, we may use her for future milk production. But, like the dairy industry, we have no use for male babies, so it is best to discard them. Dairy cows will typically mourn for two weeks when their calf is taken away from them. Some may see this as a reason to not apply these practices to human females, but it is just the opposite. These two weeks of mourning for the dairy cow only accounts for 0.2% of their expected 20-year lifespan. Even if the human female mourned for twice as long — four weeks — this mourning would only account for 0.1% of her expected 80-year lifespan. If we can justify taking the children of dairy cows away from their mothers, we can surely do the same to humans if it causes half as much harm.
Finally, we come to the milking process. Because the human female has just given birth, her breasts will be full of milk — which we can utilize to benefit the orphans of our nation. We will hook up mechanical breast pumps to the female, and extract her breast milk in an efficient manner. Since she no longer has her child to feed, she will have swollen breasts and actually desire to be milked — just like the dairy cow. We will repeat this entire process over and over again until the female ceases to efficiently produce milk. At this point, we will properly dispose of her. Her life will have been righteously dedicated to the feeding of infant orphans — a noble cause.
On top of this, we will include other practices of the dairy industry: branding, confinement, and positive reinforcement for those who don’t comply with our rules.
With the abundance of breast milk acquired from the human dairy industry, we won’t just feed the orphans of America — but of the world. However, before this positive change can take place, we must be convinced of our responsibility to implement this industry: If we accept the practices of the unnecessary dairy industry as ethical, we must apply them to the necessary feeding of orphans. We will use this milk to improve the overall well-being of the human race, so our course of action is obvious.
Author’s Note: Click here to learn more about the practices we plan on applying to humans.
