How to Overcome Resentment in Recovery

Guest post by Nancy Boyd

We’ve all been there. One minute you’re enjoying your day, and the next, you’re hit with the emotional equivalent of a bad TV rerun — resentment. It’s like re-watching that cringe-worthy moment from your past on an endless loop.

Resentment isn’t a fun experience for anyone, but oldtimers tell us that if you’re in recovery, resentment can be deadly. Don’t let it derail all the hard work you’ve been doing! We’ve got some insights and tips that can help.

Welcome to the world of “re-feeling” (aka, resentment).

Can’t recall exactly when it happened, but something I read in an article snapped me to attention. It said that resentment means “re-feeling.” Wow. That made total sense to me. Whenever I’ve been caught up in resentment, that’s exactly what it’s like. Re-feeling something unpleasant, on an endless loop that just won’t quit.

Some might call it rumination (and maybe that’s accurate too.) Whatever you call it, you can’t allow it to take over your life — because it will if you let it.

Resentment is a sneaky little bugger. Just when you think you’ve moved on, it pops up like an unwanted sequel to a movie that didn’t need one in the first place. You know the drill: you’re minding your own business, and suddenly, BAM! You’re re-feeling that time your friend borrowed your car and returned it with a new dent, or when your coworker took credit for your brilliant idea.

But here’s the thing: while re-feeling isn’t the answer, neither is ignoring the powerful feelings of hurt. The fact that you keep revisiting it is a sign you haven’t healed it yet — your soul is trying to get your attention until you do. So, before we jump to changing the channel, let’s talk about moving through the pain that caused the resentment in the first place.

Image by Danil Aksenov, Unsplash

Moving Through the Pain

First, move into and through the pain:

1. Acknowledge your feelings: It’s okay to feel hurt. Give yourself permission to fully acknowledge the pain without judgment. Bottling it up only gives it more power. You can’t afford that.
2. Understand the source: Dive deep and understand why this particular event hurt you so much. Was it the broken trust, the feeling of betrayal, or something else? Take inventory of the experience and your part in it (even if it wasn’t your fault; especially then.)
3. Express your emotions: Find a healthy outlet for your feelings. Talk to a trusted friend, write in a journal, or even scream into a pillow if that helps. The goal is to let it out rather than keep it in. Physical exercise is also helpful if you’re the kind of person who keeps energy locked up in your body and not just your head.
4. Seek resolution: If possible, address the issue with the person involved. Sometimes, an honest conversation can bring closure and healing. If that isn’t possible, have an imaginary conversation with them. You’d be surprised how much this can help.
5. Practice forgiveness: Forgiveness isn’t about letting the other person off the hook; it’s about freeing yourself from the emotional burden. It’s a gift you give to yourself. And while you’re at it, forgive yourself too.
6. Ask for help: Talk with your sponsor, a trusted friend or family member, or a therapist if you’re still re-feeling the event after you’ve taken some steps to heal it. No sense going it alone when there’s always a kind shoulder around when we need one.
7. Take action: Make a point of doing something fun to acknowledge how hard it was to get past the pain, and how much better it feels now that you have.

Changing the Channel

Once you’ve started addressing the underlying pain, it’s time to break free from the resentment reruns:

1. Recognize the rerun: The first step is acknowledging that you’re stuck in a mental replay. If you find yourself re-living the same old grudges, it’s time to press pause.
2. Change the narrative: Instead of focusing on the past, flip the script. Turn that moment of resentment into a learning experience. Maybe your friend’s driving skills aren’t the best, but at least you’ve learned to say “no” more often.
3. Find the humor: Sometimes, the best way to deal with resentment is to laugh at it. Imagine your coworker as a cartoon villain twirling their mustache — suddenly, their power over you fades.
4. Break the cycle: Every time you catch yourself re-feeling, label the behavior (“Oh, here I go again!”) and distract yourself with something positive. Dance to your favorite song, call a friend, or treat yourself to a snack (because who can be resentful with a cookie in hand?). Maybe just don’t eat the whole batch this time though.
5. Practice forgiveness: Easier said than done, right? But letting go of grudges is like clearing out old junk from your closet. It makes room for better things, like peace of mind and that warm, fuzzy feeling you get from not carrying around extra emotional baggage.

Remember, life is too short to keep watching reruns of your least favorite episodes. So, next time resentment tries to hijack your mental airwaves, change the channel. There’s a whole world of better shows out there, and they’re way more fun to watch!

Your turn!

We’d love for you to share in the comments:

• Do you experience resentment in recovery?
• What’s helped you to move through the pain, change the channel, and move on?

And if you found this article helpful, please leave a clap or 50. It lets others know there’s something useful here and will help us grow this community.

Nancy Boyd is a Leadership Development Coach, the 2009 International Coach of the Year, and an award-winning writer, healer, and change-maker serving people who are creating the kind of world no one needs to recover from. Her company, Bright Wings Inc., leads people to the highest and best of themselves through the Soul Path Academy and other programs focused on self mastery and transformation. You can find more of Nancy’s writing at: Soul Mastery Dispatch: Nurturing The Spirit of Change.

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