Sobriety Doesn’t Have to Be Miserable

Connection and community make it way easier.

In getting sober, we not only leave alcohol and other drugs behind. We leave parts of ourselves behind, too.

Parts like habits and routines that are familiar, if miserable. Like personalities that turn on with alcohol and fall silent when sober. Like relationships and ways of being in relationship.

There’s much to celebrate in this — sobriety holds tremendous gifts, and often these shifts and shedding are welcome. And yet, the early days, months, and even years of sobriety can bring profound disorientation, discomfort, and grief. Also anger. And fear.

Feeling those things is normal. Feeling those things is an essential part of leaving what’s harmful behind and stepping into our more honest, more complete version. But that’s not the whole of it. Because no matter how hard it might feel in the beginning or even further along, sobriety doesn’t have to be miserable.

Sure, it will be miserable sometimes — same as life generally (and certainly same as life with your drug of choice). But the misery of getting sober is moving you towards something healing, whereas the misery of using is keeping you stuck.

We’re choosing to remember and return to parts of ourselves we’ve abandoned. We’re choosing to connect more fully with self and others. Also our deepest values, the Universe, a Higher Power, or, simply, love and connection.

Finding our way to this place — the place where we’re conscious of all that we gain in sobriety — takes participation. We have to choose to participate in a more grateful, more joyous journey.

Because look: it’s easy to fixate on what we’ve given up, what we wish were different, and what feels unfair and difficult. It’s also completely natural to do that some of the time. But is that really the freedom we’re seeking? Do we really want to white-knuckle our way through sobriety?

I know I don’t. I also know that the more I focus on what’s better in sobriety, the better it gets and the better I feel.

What makes that easier? And more likely to stick? Finding and engaging in kindred community.

Finding kindred community can look all kinds of ways, and the best way for you to find connection in sobriety might look different from what works for others. But whatever it looks like, I encourage you to stretch beyond yourself and beyond your comfort zone.

You’ll be able to feel what kinds of connections support you and your journey. They will leave you energized instead of depleted. They will fill you with hope instead of despair. They will lead to more calm, joy, and openness — both internally and when connecting with others.

Here are a few ways to choose what’s expansive, cultivate community, and create a network of support in sobriety.

1. Attend meetings online. These days, you can attend recovery meetings seven days a week without leaving home. In The Rooms, for example, hosts more than 130 online meetings weekly. In addition to regular AA meetings, you’ll find agnostic AA, ACA, Alanon, CODA, MA, NA, agnostic NA, Naranon, Recovery Dharma, SHE RECOVERS, Women in Recovery, and more — including a range of specialty meetings.
2. Attend meetings in person. Find a directory of AA meetings in the United States here, and a directory of AA and NA meetings worldwide here.
3. Join an online sober community or program. In addition to hosting their own meetings, online communities often offer interactive forums, courses, retreats, groups, and other ways to receive support and connect. See, for example: The Luckiest Club and SHE RECOVERS.
4. Socialize with sober folks one-on-one or as a group. Reach out to others who don’t drink (whether or not they consider themselves sober). These might be people you already know, or you might make new connections online through sites such as BumbleBFF, LOOSID, or the sobriety section of MeetUp.com. Zero-proof socializing is becoming more and more common, with younger generations leading the way. Go for coffee or a hike, sign up for a community art class, attend an alcohol-free event…relearn how to have fun without alcohol!
5. Curate your online consumption. Don’t underestimate the influence of media on our moods, cravings, and choices. Thankfully, more and more people are sharing their sobriety stories, challenges, and successes online. As a starting place, check out Sober App Substack, where you’ll find personal shares from folks at all different stages of the recovery journey. Also check out SoberStack™, an annotated directory of newsletters focused on addiction recovery and sobriety.
6. Join an online app that includes community features. Sober App, for example, is a free app to help you build new habits, stay motivated, and connect with a supportive community. If you’re on a sobriety journey (or even thinking about starting one) this is a place to connect, learn, and feel seen and supported.

Image by Nicole Baster, Unsplash

By surrounding yourself with sober community and sober content (in whatever form, online or off) you’ll be:

• Creating your “new normal” — one that’s not just about quitting a thing, but also stepping into a life that you don’t want to numb out.
• Choosing “your advertising” — the overt and subtle messaging that surrounds you and influences your worldview, experience, and choices.
• Helping yourself stay accountable to your choices and commitments.
• Growing a network of support, safety, and care.
• Making sobriety less miserable and more joyful.

I get that this might sound vulnerable, intense, or scary. I get that you might feel resistance. But I encourage you to run an experiment, give a new sort of connection a try, and see how it goes. Worst case, you can decide a particular way of connecting isn’t for you. Best case, your life in sobriety might end up fuller, richer, and more supportive than you ever imagined.

Where do you find connection and community in sobriety? Please share and connect in the comments!

And if you found this article helpful, please leave a clap or 50. It lets others know there’s something useful here and will help us grow this community.

Dana Leigh Lyons is a sober writer and Doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine. Her newsletter, Sober Soulful, is a 2,800+ member community for folks investigating their relationship with alcohol and other drugs, eating disorders, obsessive compulsive patterning, online technologies and social media, overwork and external validation, and problematic relationships.

Want to be published on Sober.com? If you’re a sober writer, we invite you to contribute! Reach out to hello@danaleighlyons.com for details.