The World in Between
We are like Patrick Swayze in ‘Ghost’ ― stuck between two worlds, part of both, belonging to neither.
— Jessica Huang, Fresh Off The Boat
Have you ever been asked by someone “what are you”? Which you answer with “American”, only to find yourself being asked again, “no, what ARE you”?
Yellow, 🤫 don’t tell anyone. I’m kidding. I’m civilized, so I tell them I’m Korean. Hey, at least it’s better than them trying to guess what type of Asian I am.
Although I’m a Korean born American, I’ve always struggled with which culture I identify more with. My American friends have told me that I’m quite “fobby” — a term that expresses how Asian I am — , while my Korean friends would tell me that I’m very “American”.
It almost reminds me of that awkward stage during middle school when you struggle with finding clothes that fit you since you’re no longer a toddler, but you’re not exactly a teen/adult either. Thank you, puberty. Back to the main point, I didn’t fully fit in with either crowd, and felt like a novel specimen. I’m proud to be Korean American, but there are some complications (for me) that come with it.
As a minority in this nation, there are some aspects of our culture that don’t always translate well into this society, and vice versa. For example, when you see an Asian lady dressed as if she’s planning to take a hike in the Arctic even though it’s 80 degrees outside. Not gonna lie… I’m not the most fond of this practice 😂. However, beauty is one of the top industries in Korea and they CARE about their skin. They even have a 12 step process for skincare, which is like adhering to the eucharist to them. On the other hand, American fashion and their proactive values (i.e. homosexuality, “C’s are okay because you tried your best” ← HAHA I would’ve gotten my ass beaten) are quite scandalous to Koreans.
Personally, I identify more with American values, but am still very in touch with my culture (pop culture, history, etc.), so it’s almost upsetting to hear that I’m too “fobby” or “American”. I understand it may not always be used as an insult, but it’s unpleasant to hear nonetheless. There are underlying expectations, and if you don’t live up to those criteria there’s an invisible wall that forms and separates “you” from “them” (not always, but from my experience). Because of this I would try to present myself to fit the expected role. Yeah, I gave up LOL. It got to a point where I would plaster on a fake smile (I call it my Regina George smile) and zone out because not being myself made me lose interest in the people around me. There was no real connection. This wasn’t their fault — there is no good guy bad guy — since it was of my own volition, I wanted to “fit in” and break down those walls, but the way I went about the situation wasn’t correct. I know better now and from my experience, the older you get, the less fucks you give. Who knows why, but it’s a really nice feeling to show who you really are and not care about what people think every step of the way. Creating boundaries is part of our natural instincts; none of us are exempt from this, so all we can do is be mindful of others and ourselves.
Honestly, this post was just me rambling and I’m not exactly sure where I was going with this (it’s been a long week). So, if you’re as confused as I am and if there is anything of substance to take away from this post, it’s that it feels pretty damn good to be yourself and it makes life a lot more enjoyable.
