An Open Letter To My Former English Teacher
The Traumatic events of my high school life that I can never forget, even if I want to
Sir (I won’t use the word ‘dear’),
“Don’t you dare do that again! You think you are too smart, huh? I heard from colleagues that you are a decent and well-behaved student. Is this your decency? Don’t contemplate me with the other teachers. Don’t give me a reason to show my evil side. You are too young to handle that!”
The first few words you said to me with an extremely harsh tone during a unit test exam of English paper in the seventh standard. I didn’t even utter a single word as I was extremely afraid of getting any further punishment.
Even though it was almost ten years ago, I can recall every single damn thing that happened between us in that particular room. I can even recall every single event that happened between us in my high school years, which can be best described as some of the most traumatic events of my life till now.
As I mentioned that my first encounter with you, was not a pleasant one. You threw out some words from your mouth which I didn’t deserve. One of my friends, quite honestly, my only friend named Aditya was frequently asking me questions during that exam.
It was astonishingly hard for me not to help him out as he wasn’t a good student in that particular subject. Because of his father’s sudden death, he hadn’t prepared for that exam at all. I just tried to show him one of the answers that I had written on my paper. Then obviously you know the rest.
I forced myself to believe that it was all my fault. Maybe I deserved all the things that happened to me in that room. Though Aditya assured me more than once that it wasn’t my fault at all. Also, he blamed you for all the things that happened and described you as an ass…..
I couldn’t erase that moment from my head as it was excruciatingly painful for me to believe that a teacher can be as brutally critical of me as you were. Also, I had never experienced such brutal criticism in my life until that incident happened.
Most of the teachers saw me as their child, no one had ever criticised me and complained about me to my parents.
For two years I couldn’t get the incident out of my head. I used to follow you during lunch break or other times. Oftentimes I thought to myself
“How I’m going to impress this man? Does he still remember the incident? Well, maybe he no longer remembers the incident. Should I ask him? No, he’s an extremely angry man. I’m not gonna ask him anything. Who knows what might have happened?”
Finally, the time came when you and I had to see each other face to face when you were appointed as an English teacher of our class. I was extremely anxious on the first day of your class. I still remember the moment when you entered the classroom, I stood up and greeted you with ‘good morning’.
Teaching in our school for more than fifteen years, probably you had understood the fact that it’s quite a big deal to greet someone with ‘good morning’ as half of the students wouldn’t understand what it means. Nevertheless, you made a reply without looking into my eyes, ‘morning’.
The first thing I had done after I sat down on the bench, opened the textbook and a notebook as I was extremely keen to grab your attention once more and wanted to make you feel like,
“Maybe I got all wrong about this kid. This kid is truly a decent and well-behaved one”.
The day went pretty well as nothing unusual happened and I did manage to survive. Things shifted pretty quickly on the next day. You asked us to do some tasks. After I had finished all the tasks, I handed over my notebook to you which you accepted without looking into my eyes.
“Are you still angry with me, sir?”,
I was curious as you wanted an introduction from all the students, except me. You made me believe that you were still very angry with me.
“Are you blind? Can’t you see I’m working on something? Maybe you want to know why did I not ask you to introduce yourself? I didn’t want your introduction. I remember you pretty well. You haven’t changed a bit. I warned you already. Don’t you dare cross me again!”
I can’t even describe to you that how I felt after hearing those brutal harsh words from you. After that encounter, I went to the washroom. I completely broke down and cried like a baby.
I hope, you remember that you have never talked to me since. Also, you never even looked at me in the eyes. I used to greet you with ‘good morning’ which you never replied to but I kept my ‘manners’ whenever you used to enter the classroom.
During the class, you never used to ask me anything. You made me feel like an abandoned child, and my parents didn’t have the slightest idea what the hell was going on with me as I didn’t tell them anything. Also, I had to warn Aditya, not to discuss the incident with my parents.
“I’m playing a game with him, and I’m enjoying every minute of it. I must admit that he’s a very decent and well-behaved boy. Even though it’s kind of hard for me to like him, no matter how hard I try as I was an extremely naughty, misbehaved, and disobedient kid in my school days and never liked these types and still don’t like them at all”.
After a month of that incident, you confessed these words to a female colleague, whom some thought you had an affair with, which I didn’t give a damn about. But I did give a damn about the things you confessed to her.
One day I was about to pass the staff room and the thing which forced me to stop walking was your laughter which was extremely loud and to be honest I was disgusted by the sound of it. I can imagine, you will be astonishingly shocked when you become aware of these things.
I was exceedingly curious to hear the discussion between you and her. I did something which can be described as ‘ethically wrong’. I was too curious to know every damn thing about you. I did compromise my ethics at the time.
Waiting outside the staff room I was pretending to see the notice board as students and teachers were walking nearby.
“What do you mean ‘naughty kid in school days? Even now you are an extremely naughty man. And who knows this better than me?” After some disgusting laughs, she went ahead asking you, “Since how long this game is going on with this kid? Rumi? Right?”
I hope you can remember everything now. I don’t want to press it any further. Maybe you won’t understand how excruciatingly difficult and painful for me it is to confess these traumatic events of my life.
Because of you, I went through a pretty tough time in my life. And it was extremely tough for me to concentrate on my studies. After listening to your conversation with the female colleague, it was tougher for me to concentrate on anything.
“My son isn’t the same anymore. He doesn’t talk to us the way he used to do before. He used to share every single thing with us. He doesn’t even want to share what’s going on in his school nowadays”. Aditya’s mother Koushani aunty who looked after me as her child described to me what my mom had said to her.
I was forced to confront my mom about everything that happened. She was shocked when I had to tell her everything,
“Why didn’t you tell me all this? How could you do that?” Before she could go on with another word, I broke down and hugged her to comfort myself from all the things that I had gone through.
A few days later when we had dinner together, it was dad who informed me,
“Yesterday I met all the teachers of your school, except that one son of a …… After having long discussions with your mom, I have decided that you should go to another school that is better than this one”. Reasonably I was upset to hear that,
“All the teachers love me and adore me as you do and I have Aditya with me. Do you think that I can find a friend like him at the new school? Because of one bad apple (I was referring to you), you want me to go to another school?”
Even though they understood what I was trying to convey to them, but it didn’t work out. Maybe the words of mine didn’t affect them that much!
With all the pain and hurt feelings, I had to leave my school without expressing my gratitude to the teachers whom I loved and respected from the bottom of my heart. There was a part of me that was telling me that I should confront you. But I didn’t have the balls to confront you at the time, that I must confess.
Aditya stopped talking to me even though he knew that it wasn’t my decision. Even though he knew that he could come to my house any time he would have wanted, as it took five minutes for him to get to my house. He decided to write a letter to your wife about what you did to me and about your alleged ‘love affair’. After I warned him several times, he changed his mind.
From my childhood to adulthood, things have changed at a fast pace. That fifteen-year-old kid, with whom you played a traumatic game, that kid doesn’t exist in me anymore. I forced him to get the hell out of my life. I want you to remember all the traumatic events that happened to me. I want you to remember that how much I suffered because of you.
I have no desire to please anyone anymore. Through the years I tried to find something. Something that is called peace. The peace of mind. Maybe you have found peace through playing traumatic games with others. I find peace in many things, not particularly through playing traumatic games with anyone.
No one knows about fate. Who knows, maybe fate will put us back together someday. I promise that I will confront you this time. I have already mentioned that the fifteen-year-old kid doesn’t exist in me anymore. Back then I was one of your sheep. I’m not your or even anyone’s sheep anymore. Over the years I have learned how to roar. I have learned how to roar with all the insane energy I have in me.
Without any regard,
Rumi
