Valley Notes: The Sweetest Idea Ever
Welcome to Valley Notes, a series where I reflect on real anecdotes from life inside a caricature. Everything recounted in these stories actually happened, though names may be altered.
Ugh, sticky. I need some napkins.
A squirt of choux cream had flown out of a faux-cronut and all over my hands. It was my first time eating a faux-cronut (fauxnut? crofaux?), though I was a frequent patron at this particular bakery. The place was an airy, modern French-styled patisserie nestled into downtown Palo Alto, CA, on a rizty strip between an upscale tapas restaurant and an oriental rug importer. The patronage was appropriately high-end: venture capitalists and startup warriors frequented its imitation-marble-tiled walkways.
As I wiped my fingers with a fistful of napkins, the conversation next to me increased in volume. Suddenly, one stanza of discussion sailed above the background chatter and wrapped itself around me, like the clear chime of a bell cutting through the sky.
“So here’s the idea: Software Desserts. I figure if I build it, they will come, right?”
The progenitor of this idea, in his infinite wisdom, gleamed eagerly at his companion. He was a tall man, dressed in an immaculate lilac dress shirt and high-end jeans, with a gleaming bald head. No doubt his head was full of genius.
The story itself ends here: I never saw his companion’s reaction, nor did I get any explanation of what Software Desserts might actually entail. But his idea has stuck in the corners of my mind for years now: what the hell is Software Desserts, and more importantly, did he get funding for it?
I have so many questions. Are the desserts real, or are they like desserts for your Tamagotchi? Are they software themed, or do you use software to design them, or are the recipes generated by a neural network? Who bakes them? Is it robots? Is it robots?
Even now I can only imagine the funding pitch between our bright-eyed founder, whose name was probably Teff Pezos, and his jetsetting billionaire entrepreneur/playboy/League of Legends aficionado benefactor, the VC. After Teff gave his pitch, the VC would ask “so is it like Uber for desserts?” “You bet it is,” Teff would say, “but with neural networks too.” Teff would launch into a pitch about his auto-generated desserts, baked by robots and delivered by hapless civilians who would not be allowed to earn tips. The angel on the VC’s shoulder would roll its eyes, but the devil would remind him that Teff was a member of the same fraternity as he was. After a 2 hour pitch, the VC would award Teff $4 million in seed funding.
I do sincerely hope that, if Software Desserts ever did, or does, become real that it’s a bit less sticky than real pastries. But if they don’t make canelés, or at least éclairs, they don’t have my interest. Sorry Teff.
