I have it too…

This is how I could explain the typical state of anxiety.

If you are someone who suffers from anxiety you might have often been asked what is anxiety? I am with those people who feel it’s totally abstract and I am also with those who have been through this phase. I say this because I know it’s difficult to comprehend anxiety.

Let me try to take a dig at explaining what I think anxiety is. My thoughts about anxiety might differ from yours, since I am just talking from my own experience with this devil.

I have always been a person who thinks a lot. Not saying that I am proud of it or anything. But that’s what I think was the root cause of it all, of course not my ability to think but being unaware of what lay next. Thinking was like a hobby for me. I was always thinking about something or the other. Be it academics, life in general, family, food whatever and it was fine. It was as if I had this amazing tool at my disposal that I didn’t know of. And then there was a time this tool turned against me. I started abusing this tool, I would push myself into thinking whys and hows of whatnots. Yes, call it waste of time, energy or whatever but it was like a black hole. I would just start thinking about something but there won’t be an end to this start. I would keep on thinking for hours and sometimes I would even forget of how it started. This continued for days. I would feel miserable sometimes. I might even cry for unnecessary reasons but till now all of this was still under my control. I could have stopped all of it if I wished or may be NOT. I can’t really comment, since back then I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing to myself.

This endless thinking process continued for sometime. I was caught in my own world of thoughts, as complex and as stupid. One day I started to feel something weird. A feeling I wasn’t able to describe. A feeling which made me feel unwell. A feeling which made me lie on bed, not wanting to get up for anything. A feeling which was not going away. I wasn’t able to figure out what it was. There was some kind of a change I sensed in my heart. I rushed to get my BP and vitals checked. Everything seemed alright. I was trying to convince myself things are fine but I couldn’t. I felt trapped. I felt suffocated.

I was looking for some answers. I just wanted to know why I felt the way I did. Till now I was playing with my mind. But now it was something serious. I just wanted to get out of the weird sensation I was having. It was as if something was pulling me towards it and I felt crippled. My black hole of thoughts had now crippled my heart, or at least that is what it seemed like. My hands were shaky, I constantly had this feeling of loss. I was devastated so to say. It was then I realized, I wanted to get out of that state. I wanted to know the reason why I was feeling the way I was.

Sometime back I revisited a few lines I had written when I was feeling really low -

Fighting your own mind can be tough.

This I don’t realize on my good days. But on my bad days, I feel like a slave. Trust me it’s like hell. You don’t want to be there, neither do I. So do the best to stay away from it.

Fortunately one day I came across a few videos which talked about something similar and that was about depression. Trust me till this point I had no idea about depression or anxiety. They were mere words in a dictionary for me, which I never cared about. But now it felt like I should know more about it. I even reached out to a few doctors. My anxiety forced me to get out of the rut I was in. Yes, you read it right. When I started having anxiety I realized the mess I had gotten into and I didn’t like it. This might not be the case for everyone though. For me anxiety was an alarm, an alarm for which I had to find the snooze button and eventually if possible the STOP button. Undoing all of what was done already was not easy.

TL;DR
I didn’t know I have anxiety issues till it really hit me hard. I might have never know or paid attention to it, otherwise. But now that I have been its victim I would speak of what I know and what I have observed. It always starts with random thought(s). You might spend a night, day or a few hours intensely thinking about something. There could be something running at the back of your mind, for a few days. Knowingly or unknowingly your thoughts start engulfing you. And a day comes when you have a feeling of immense loss. That’s what anxiety is for me.

What works: Yoga and meditation works for me. It work wonders to help me put aside worries and thoughts and just be.
Why: Meditation is like an exercise for mind. For a healthy mind do meditation.
Tip: Start with 5 mins a day. You will see the change yourself.

If you can relate to this article, do share your views.
How do you tackle it? 💪🏻
What’s your training like? 🏋🏽
We are all ears ❤️ 💛 💙 💜

I am the story, only I can tell.
Since your heaven could be my hell.
My good days had silence,
Your good days were noise,
When I saw depth,
You saw height,
So I am the story only I can tell.

I can’t tell your story nor can I write for you. The best part is you own your story. Explore !

Take care…