Amazon Introduces Neural Implant For Subconscious Shopping

SEATTLE, WA — Speaking to a captivated audience at their recent product showcase, Amazon introduced a neural implant for subconscious shopping. “The number one reason Amazon customers don’t place an order is because of conscious thought, so today I’m happy to announce we’ve found a way to make online shopping entirely subconscious,” said Amazon CTO Werner Vogels, adding that the company’s implant will be the biggest change for retail since the introduction of the self-checkout. “The average person thinks about buying something 14 times a day without even realizing it. Traditionally, those thoughts were money left on the table, but now, with this new implant, we can identify when a person thinks about buying something and automatically place an order for them on Amazon. All that’s required is a minimally-invasive brain implant and an active credit card on your Prime account. Imagine, the next time you have a fleeting thought like ‘Should I get an air fryer?’, one will be delivered to your home within 48 hours. This is truly cutting-edge technology and, to answer the question I know all of you have, yes — it does work in dreams.” At press time, Vogels shared that the most common subconsciously-ordered products so far have been fiber pills, weighted blankets, and a copy of the book ‘How To Win Friends and Influence People’.