Biden Encourages Americans Seeking COVID Tests To Follow His Treasure Map

WASHINGTON — Explaining that plenty of COVID tests are available to anyone who puts in the work, President Biden encouraged Americans to look for them using his hand-drawn treasure map. “Folks, it’s not that difficult. If The Goonies can do it, so can you.” said the President, admitting that while he’s not a great artist, the map should be detailed enough for anyone with good instincts and 2–3 days of free time to follow. “I’ve worked hand-in-hand with the CDC to develop this map, following their recommendation that 5,000 tests be buried no more than 3 feet below ground in an old wooden chest. Also, in accordance with Dr. Fauci’s suggestion, I’ve added a big red X on the map to make it as clear as possible where the chest is hidden. If you really want a COVID test, this is your best shot at getting one.” At press time, the President regretted not tweeting a picture of the map before giving away his only copy.