California Unveils Plan To Replace Gas-Powered Cars With Carriages Pulled By Homeless People

SACRAMENTO, CA — Detailing what he called “a necessary and important shift away from our reliance on outdated methods of transportation,” California Governor Gavin Newsom unveiled the state’s plan to replace gas-powered cars with carriages pulled by homeless people. “California has always been the first state to make radical changes that benefit both our citizens and the environment, and that’s why I’m excited to announce an initiative that will drastically reduce our carbon emissions while simultaneously putting thousands of our unhoused peoples to work,” said the Governor, adding that the plan, which is expected to roll out by 2035, would save the state millions of dollars in damage caused by pollution and vagrants. “Imagine being briskly pulled down the street by the very people that sleep on it. No one knows their way around California better than the unhoused, and you’d be surprised at how efficient they can be when working together. Our tests have found that a team of five homeless people who were promised a few bucks can pull a 4,000-pound carriage at speeds topping 30 miles per hour. On top of that, the ‘exhaust’ produced by the homeless — fecal matter, cigarette smoke, and so on — amounts to a 1.5 million percent decrease compared to fumes released by gas-powered cars. Plus it gives them a purpose. Talk about killing two birds with one stone.” Newsom later assured Californians that the homeless pullers would not be allowed to sleep in the carriages.