Electric Company Promises To Keep The Power On As Long As Customers Don’t Use It

COLUMBUS, OH— Addressing fears that rising temperatures and a deteriorating grid may lead to severe outages in the near future, electric utility firm AEP promised to keep the power on as long as their customers don’t use it. “We vow to continue supplying customers with uninterrupted electrical service as long as they’re willing to forgo using it entirely — that means no charging phones, no microwaving leftovers, and definitely no air conditioning,” said AEP CEO Nicholas Akins, adding that it’s unreasonable to expect a 50-year-old power grid to be able to meet the needs of a stagnant Midwest population 24/7. “Despite making nearly $9 billion a year, we simply do not have the resources to upgrade our facilities to meet the needs of today’s consumers — which are very demanding by the way! We’re happy to keep the power flowing to your homes, but not if you want to use it all the damn time. I mean, come on, you can’t have your cake and eat it too, especially when that cake is being generated by burning coal. That stuff’s heavy! We’re simply asking all customers to cut back on using power entirely so we can continue supplying it, uninterrupted, to the places that need it most — hospitals, military bases, and the 16 multi-unit investment properties I own throughout the city.”