EU Announces Travel Ban For Poor Americans

BRUSSELS — Following news that the U.S. Dollar and Euro have reached price parity for the first time in 20 years, the EU announced a travel ban for poor Americans. “Simply because millions of lower-class Americans can now afford a trip to Europe does not mean we have to let them into our countries,” said EU leader Charles Michel, adding that doing so would be disastrous for the continent’s rich history of exploiting favorable exchange rates. “Just imagine the Champs-Élysées clogged with droves of people who bought their clothes at Walmart. Picture Berlin nightclubs packed with Americans on Medicaid. And, God forgive me, think of the gondolas of Venice filled with families whose last vacation was a day trip to Great Wolf Lodge. These are not people that should be admitted into our countries. Our economy is built on an industry of tourism that exploits a strong euro, a well-off American, and a smooth-talking street vendor. If we start letting in vagabonds just because they can afford it, we’re doomed.” At press time, Michel added that, due to their dire financial position, Greece could still admit tourists from any social class.