FDA Reveals It’s Been Butter All Along

WASHINGTON — Publicly condemning what they called “an illicit, high-level campaign of fraud and public deception”, the FDA revealed that the popular vegetable oil spread I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! has been butter all along. “It turns out what people had felt deep down in their guts was right this whole time — it was butter, cold, hard, creamy butter,” said FDA investigator Dan Morris, adding that consumers should always trust their own taste buds over claims made by corporations. “At first the product was never investigated because no one thought the brand would so publicly flaunt a lie of this magnitude. Eventually, after receiving several thousand consumer complaints saying ‘there is no way this stuff isn’t butter,’ we began to look into it. It took our team nearly 30 years and 287,000 pieces of toast before we conclusively concluded that the product was, in fact, butter. 100% old-fashioned butter. It was butter all along, it always had been, but Americans needed a lie to believe in back then. Fortunately, instead of a drawn-out lawsuit with the parent company, they opted to settle with us, and in a few months the new product ‘I Told You It Was Butter!’ should be hitting shelves everywhere.” At press time, Morris mentioned that his team was now reopening a case into whether or not Kix had actually been kid-tested and mother-approved.