Hell Opens New Wing For Souls Who Fed Pigeons And Squirrels

HELL — With the opening of Hell’s latest wing, Satan is realizing a long-held dream. People who feed pigeons, ducks, raccoons, and other urban animals will now have their very own and special place in Hell. While the “ignorance is bliss” defense works on some things — like slipping on a banana peel only to find yourself committing adultery — giving wild animals food inconsistent with their natural diets punches the soul a one-way ticket to eternal damnation. “After the New York ‘pizza rat’ ate the slice it dragged into the subway, it died of a massive heart-attack, leaving behind a family of fifteen thousand!” said Satan, “Now, the S.O.B. who dropped that piece of pie gets to spend all of eternity cooking in the pizza oven in the kitchen of this new wing. The rat is kickin’ it with Jesus and that guy will caramelize to a burnt and cheesy crust forever.” While God could not be reached for comment via email or thoughts and prayers, it’s clear he/she/it didn’t have the foresight to add the sin of feeding wild animals to the Commandments.