Israel Promises Ceasefire Will Last Until Militant Group Changes Its Name

GAZA/JERUSALEM — Ending yet another missile barrage that killed over 40 people, including 15 children, Israel promised that their most recent ceasefire will last until the militant group they targeted changes its name. “We shot missiles at Islamic Jihad and that’s who our agreement is with. But as soon as they rebrand to something like ‘Jihadists For Islam’ or ‘Islamic Jihad 2’ another attack is 100% fair game,” said a senior Israeli diplomatic leader, calling this airstrike, like the dozens of others, a massive success. “They can call themselves whatever they’d like — PRC, Hamas, Jaljalat, Sons of Zouari, Hezbollah, Fatah al-Islam, Muslim Brotherhood, As-Sa’iqa, Islamic State, Al-Najjada — but to us, they’re targets that needed to be bombed on different days at different times. Unfortunately, we can never prevent collateral damage to innocent women and children, but at the same time, they shouldn’t have been standing there.” At press time, the diplomat scoffed at the idea that the Palestinian militant groups were entirely different organizations with separate leaders, structures, and goals.