Octopus Intelligent Enough To Know It Will Someday Be Overcooked

SYDNEY — In a shocking new report published by the Foundation of Animal Sentience, researchers revealed that octopuses are intelligent enough to know that they will someday be overcooked. “We’re talking about true animal consciousness here, these creatures know that someday they’re going to be captured, grilled or boiled for way too long, and garishly served as an overpriced entrée to unappreciative tourists somewhere in Italy,” said head researcher Howard Anderson, adding this knowledge causes octopuses to act hostile towards things like forks, cutting boards, and lemon wedges. “Imagine trying to live your life knowing that all of your success and growth only guarantees that you will someday be worth a substantial amount more to a filthy fisherman who will sell you to a terrible restaurant. How could you get out of bed in the morning knowing that a child will eventually take one bite of your chewy, overcooked flesh, make a disgusted face, and throw the rest of your once-strong limbs into the trash? This is what an adult octopus knows, they’re very aware of the path they’re on and yet they continue to face life every day. No wonder they always look so pissed, I would be too.”