Paperboy Unaware All His Customers Are Dead

BELMONT, MA — Gleefully flinging a Sunday paper onto the months-old pile in his neighbor’s driveway, local paperboy Stephen Hills was completely unaware that his customers were dead. “I don’t have the heart to tell him that everyone he delivers to died last year, I was hoping he’d notice no one was picking the papers up and put two and two together himself,” said Stephen’s mom Cindy, adding that her son apparently thinks that all his neighbors are on vacation in Florida. “Eventually, when there was four months’ worth of newspapers in front of each house, the city came and cleaned them up, so Stephen thought everyone was back home. Even when I subtly reminded him that we had gone to Mrs. Jackson’s wake a few months ago, he still kept on delivering her paper. I’m pretty sure the families are still getting billed for the papers too because Stephen’s still getting paid. As bad as it sounds, I don’t think I’ll ever break the news to him, because this is the only way I can get him out of the house.” Cindy later discovered that Stephen had been redelivering the same newspapers for months since the company’s local distributor had died and was never replaced.