Remains Of Seven Dwarfs Discovered In Disney Vault

BAY LAKE, FL — In a horrific conclusion to the lighthearted children’s tale that thrust them into the spotlight nearly a century ago, the remains of the Seven Dwarfs were discovered in the Disney Vault. “Obviously this is not the outcome we hoped for, but it does provide some closure for their friends, family, and the loveable woodland critters,” said FBI investigator Don Regis, adding that the dwarfs had last been seen touring Disney World in 1997 before abruptly disappearing without a trace. “We initially received a tip to investigate the vault in 2011, but it came from a rather goofy-sounding anonymous source and the vault only opens every 10 years, so we had to wait. When we finally got a team in there, they quickly discovered a bright orange wool cap sticking out of the dirt floor in a rear storage room, which is where we eventually uncovered the skeletal remains of Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, Dopey, and Doc. The bodies showed no signs of trauma, so we suspect some poison or a rare form of magic may have been used, although we do not have a motive at this time. Up until her death in 2007, Snow White was adamant that foul play was involved in their disappearance, as she knew the likelihood that all of them would agree to anything, let alone leaving their beloved mine for good, was virtually impossible. Today, we proved her right, and I hope wherever Snow White and the Seven Dwarves are now, they’re enjoying each other’s company and whistling while they work.”