Struggling Zoo Owner Hopes His Gorilla ‘Does Some Crazy Shit’

DAVENPORT, IA — Making the argument that “all publicity is good publicity”, struggling zoo owner Roger Traben revealed that he’s hoping his silverback gorilla “does some crazy shit”. “I’m not saying anyone needs to die or be eaten, but if Mbubu were to break someone’s foot or tear off their hand that would definitely sell some tickets,” said Traben, adding that his zoo’s popularity had been declining since 2019 when he decided to let guests play tag with a cheetah. “Zoo popularity peaked after the Harambe incident but hasn’t been the same since. Now zoos need to have a big attraction to get people in the door — something like a baby elephant, a rare rhino, or a dangerous animal that occasionally gets out and mauls guests. People want excitement at the zoo, which is why I’ve been slowly lowering my enclosures’ fences for the past two years. Nothing has escaped yet, but they will eventually. In the meantime, I’d love my gorilla to get a little feisty and steal a stroller or try to breastfeed a toddler, anything really. I’m going to cut back on how much I feed her every day and then put a zebra in her exhibit, so we’ll see what happens.” Traben went on to say that if things get really bad he could always rebuild his business into a large hedge maze and let the animals loose inside of it.