Vegan’s Potluck Contribution Expectedly Terrible

CINCINNATI, OH — Setting down a dish that seemed to contain an off-smelling vegetable casserole, local vegan Samantha Petersen’s potluck contribution was expectedly terrible. “She’s been bringing vegan sides to our parties for five years now, so I’m actually impressed by how many disgusting things she’s learned to make with soy,” said Samantha’s friend Tim Huff, adding that their friend group was initially supportive of Samantha’s lifestyle change, but after forcing themselves to eat one-too-many unappetizing plates they’d stopped pretending altogether. “At first this vegan nonsense was tolerable, we’d douse it with hot sauce or mix it into our mac and cheese and stomach it no problem. But then she started getting into ‘infusion-style’ cooking, blending cultures and cuisines in ways that should never be attempted without animal products. That’s when everyone threw in the towel and said ‘Yeah, no, not today.’ At this point, Sam’s basically just bringing this stuff so she has something to eat herself.”