I Phoned A Friend During my Vasectomy
This kind of material writes itself
“Don’t bother tying the back of your gown,” the nurse told me.
I wouldn’t be going that far from my staging area. I was in one of the first stalls near the operating room. My friend Carlos Garbiras was on the phone from the other side of the country and heard the nurse tell me to get undressed. It was an intimate moment between Carlos and me, as we were excited to do a live interview during a real vasectomy. Surely this would be Pulitzer-worthy material.
I announced that I was ready, so she threw open the curtain and I waddled off with a sterile wind behind me to have my vas deferens severed and cauterized.
I had one earbud in, and nobody questioned it. My prepared answer was that I had music on to help with the anxiety about having a vasectomy. I didn’t ask if having them was allowed because the answer was definitely probably not.
The nurse had me hop up onto the operating table and lie down on my back. Here she checked my manscaping homework and prepped me for the operation. I pretended I couldn’t hear Carlos’ commentary in my one ear, and provided play-by-play as if I was talking to myself. I assumed the nurse would pass it off as anxiety about having my balls cut open.
