Thirsty
January 30th in Buenos Aires
Today was my last day in Buenos Aires. And it was a AMAZING. I have to share.
I woke this morning very thirsty. VERY THIRSTY. And I knew why. My dinner with friends last night was a traditional Argie Steak feast the started with cured grilled cheese and ended with salted dolce de leche and was interrupted by some salted carne asada. It was one of the best meals I’ve ever had. But, needless to say, the salt made me thirsty this morning. As soon as I woke I noticed 3 things:
1) I’m thirsty
2) I don’t recall those two extra flesh-colored throw pillows being at the foot of the bed last night
3) Oh, wait, no. Those are my feet.
I got up on my puffy sodium feet and instead of drinking the gallon of water I craved, I eased into my day. It being my last full day in the city, I decided to dress in a long black chic dress that I love and be, well, chic. It was a ballsy move as I’m chubbier that I should be right now so it’s more of a sausage dress than chic dress but, what the hell, these peeps don’t know me.
I walked around town for a bit. I’ll NOT complain about the weather as I know the NE is in a polar vortex but let’s just say it was quite humid here today. H.U.M.I.D. So when I got back to the hotel, I did drink that gallon of water. I immediately felt better. Better and bloated. And puffy. And uncomfy. And growing. I actually felt myself expanding. I started to sweat. Really sweat. Drip sweat. And I panicked. “I need to get out of this sausage dress”. But it was too late. I was too sausaged into the dress to get it up or down. So, in my expanding and panicked state, I decided to lube myself with what I had near by — sun block.
If you’ve ever seen the FRIENDS episode where there are 1) Ross 2) Leather Pants 3) Lotion, you have an idea of what happened next. I STUCK to the inside of the polyester sausage dress. I cried. And had to pee but couldn’t sit because I had gotten the dress stuck up around my thighs and it wouldn’t budge.
What I did next was not my best moment.
I waddled out of my room. Onto the lift. Down to the front desk. Asked for scissors in sign language because I was wwww.overspanish.edu (not a real url) and waddled back to my room. I proceeded to, yes, cut myself out of my once-chic, now sausage FRIENDS dress.
