Codependent: Down the Rabbit Hole

A journey into the wonderland of codependency, a redefinition of terms with little respect for symptoms… and rabbits.

I am a raging codependent.

I have been this way my entire life.

I have had the privilege of serving as a minister, counselor, friend, and pastor to those dealing with this issue and was entirely blind to the fact that I struggled here.

Biggest thing in the room… missed it.

I have worked on this, with great effort, between myself and God and my most precious relationships across the last few years… and it has been the hardest work of my life.

I’m going to share about what I’ve learned — and — try to offer a definition and set of tools that can help.

I’ll be playful.

But it is a serious subject.

So I’ll be serious too.

But make jokes sometimes.

What is Codependency?

Codependency is wildly misunderstood. …which I can say with certainty because everyone disagrees as to what it is.

It is, I think, at the end, a malady of motivation.

It is what happens when my ‘why’ for my behaviour with other people shifts from ‘my business’ to ‘not my business,’ and gets stuck there.

And I think it’s really that simple.

And, in it’s genesis it is often, though not always, entirely benign.

We all do this.

We want to be helpful.

We want to protect.

We want to solve.

We want credit.

We want love.

Like so.

But …why? The ‘why’ is what makes it unhealthy. Because somewhere in the slippery slope of our own motivations… we lose the path.

Instead of being helpful we become enabling.

Instead of being loving we become controlling.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions… no?

I would suggest that, in codependency, we have effectively discovered ‘hell’ with much greater definition than scripture ever provides.

Leaving a later weeping and gnashing of teeth to the side, I would suggest that hell is what happens within the self when one does not manage one’s motivations with other people with care.

It is also what happens when one does the same with drugs, alcohol, money, sex, power, control, fear, and on and on and on (and on).

That there is plenty of weeping and gnashing of teeth to be found, now.

How deep do you want to go..?

Hell, as always, is what we do to ourselves when we cut ourselves off from God.

The problem, of course, is that the codependent likes to blame the pain and difficulty on other people, or, on a judgemental God.

I suggest that neither is the case.

I suggest that mine and your problem with other people is not them but our way of relating to them — and — that our God loves us so much that we have the power to leave the self imposed hells we are in whenever we are willing to recognize we did it to ourselves.

Blaming God and other people doesn’t work.

Accountability does.

Turns out… if you find yourself in hell, you don’t need to worry about going there.

You just need to leave.

And yes, you have the power to do so.

Defining Codependency.

The definitions available in the world for ‘codependency’ are entirely lacking.

They are driven and rooted in the fact that discussion of this term derives from the concept of the ‘co-alcoholic’ (which is fair, that’s what started the conversation 50 years ago)…

…and, like any good moment to miss the forest for the trees, the definitions have all gotten stuck on this particular variation of the behaviour.

Language has not caught up with reality.

What have we here?

Here’s a few we can find with minimal effort:

Wikipedia:

“codependency is a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person’s self-destructive behavior such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.”

Or,

Google:

“characterized by excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.”

Or,

Miriam:

“a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or manipulative person

These definitions are a mess.

They all mean well but, at the end of the day describe a system between two people that requires specific responses and patterns from both people.

Let’s assume for just a second that this was the ONLY type of codependence possible… it would still be entirely broken as a definition.

If — if this were true… how do I as a ‘codependent’ deal with ‘my’ codependency given the definition?

I couldn’t.

The definitions above are all sadly …codependent. None of the available terms, definitions, and diagnostic tools take the time to look at the individual.

Which is… deeply ironic. And hilarious. And horrible.

Because I don’t need another person to do ANYTHING to be codependent.

It is something that happens in me, in relation to how I look at others, treat others, and the role I give others in my motivations.

All I really need to do is to lose sight of the fact that I am enough, and that other people are too.

Codependency is not a two party system.

It only takes one.

Here’s my swing at a pragmatic definition of codependency. Someone feel free to let Miriam’s know.

“Codependence is a dysfunction of behaviour by one person towards another in a space of relationship regarding agency and role, wherein the codependent party either attributes too much agency (and becomes dependent and subservient) or too little agency (and becomes controlling and enabling) to another person.”

It’s worth noting that these two expressions of the behaviour work really well together. I think we will almost always find codependents huddled together.

Like rabbits.

But will everyone own their own behaviour… that is the question.

But… what about God?

Spiritually, this is even simpler.

Spiritually, this is even truer.

Because this is all about God.

Spiritually speaking, codependency is what happens a person elects themselves to become God to another person — or — makes another person God to themselves.

Here’s my effort at a spiritual definition of codependency.

Spiritually, codependency is the behavior in which one person, in a space of relationship with another, supplants God of His rightful role in either person’s life, wherein one person assigns God’s power in their own life to another person, or, assigns to themselves God’s power in another person’s life.

You don’t actually need another person to do anything to make this happen.

Because codependence isn’t actually about the other person.

This is the great lie of codependency.

If you’re the codependent then the other person… is just a stand in. You may think you’ve made them too important… but you haven’t. Don’t be surprised if they feel cheapened by how ‘God like’ you’ve made them, or, by how much you try to be God to them.

Because codependency is always a failure to respect someone as an image bearer of God.

Always.

Even when they don’t understand it, they feel it.

Genesis 1:27

So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them…

Maybe you fail to respect someone else that way.

Maybe yourself.

But either way… it’s not really about the other person.

It’s about you.

And God.

But mostly about God.

Everything is exactly as I say it is. Everything.

But what about the old definitions?

That such patterns show up with high frequency among the broken moments of relational life like addiction… does not describe a cause, it reveals a symptom.

Codependence is a reasonable coping mechanism if you don’t understand you’re stabbing yourself in the eye.

If you want to protect someone and aren’t clear of the boundary of God’s role in both lives… why wouldn’t you try to fix them?

If you want to be protected and aren’t clear of the boundary of God’s role in both lives… why wouldn’t you make someone else responsible?

We see it thrive in spaces with addiction and abuse because the triggers for it — a mix of love, inconsistent boundaries, a desire to help, an esteem issues — are brought to the surface by the behaviours.

Relating codependency to addiction, alcoholism, or abuse is like relating a disease to a subset of the population that exhibits it.

Just because all the rabbits have hiccoughs doesn’t make hiccoughs a rabbit disease.

People get hiccoughs too.

(I don’t actually know that rabbits get hiccoughs. It just worked with the narrative)

Just because the human beings who live in a space adjacent to addiction and abuse often exhibit codependency doesn’t mean that’s what codependency is.

#%$&!!?

That’s insanity. Circular. Nonsense.

Just as with codependency itself, we got here with the best of intentions.

…but that doesn’t make it true.

Indeed, I would suggest that the healthiest codependents are in fact exactly the ones that live inside of cycles relating to addiction and abuse… because they have a very good reason to be there. These situations are traumatic and existentially threatening… these are humans doing the very best they can.

…what cause do the rest of us have?

…and why is no one talking about this?

Is it possible that the private hell of codependency, and it’s self enslavement, is so inherently embarrassing absent a clear cause… that nobody wants to look at it?

Well. I guess I’m volunteering.

I suggest we emancipate each other and give ourselves permission to deal with the issue.

Almost there.

This is something that is far to easy for the self to do to the self for us to blame ourselves — or each other — for doing so.

You don’t need another person to be anything in particular for you to decide to be, act, and live a codependent life.

All you have to do is cross an internal motivational line about whats yours, what’s theirs, and why you do things.

All you have to do is double down on solving others problems or needing others to solve yours.

All you have to do is forget who God is, and isn’t, and then again the next day.

That’s it.

If you’ve wondered if you’re codependent but could never put your finger on it because no one was doing heroin… surprise.

You probably are.

All scripture referenced is NLT unless otherwise noted. I prefer NLT for postural discussion as it is both reasonably rigorous while retaining a conversational tone.

For study I strongly encourage the use of original language tools, multiple translations, and rigorous critical thought.

Please remember that when you read the Bible in English you are always reading someone else’s theological interpretation of the text.