6 Crazy Donald Trump Theories You Won’t Believe!

Did you watch the debate last night? No, seriously — did you watch it? That was a real thing that happened. That was a real moment in American history. I know, you don’t believe me — you’ve convinced yourself it was just a dream. But it wasn’t. There are pictures and videos of it happening, because it really happened. Like, seriously.

It wasn’t a dream.

The debate had it all. You’ve got your New Jersey tough guy, thirsty Florida man, out-of-place neurosurgeon, recalled Governor, brother of America’s “favorite” “president,” the out-of-touch bigot from Arkansas, Ted Cruz, the crazy guy who — when compared to the rest of the folks on stage — maybe isn’t that crazy, and some guy who wandered onto the stage who sounded way too rational to be a part of the debate.

And, of course, Donald Trump.

In the interest of full disclosure, I feel it necessary to disclose that have a personal history with Donald Trump. You may recall a few months ago when he threatened me with a $100,000 lawsuit and and I called him a “wealthy, human-sized orange.” But the point of this argument isn’t to rehash old wounds, it’s to make new ones.

Donald Trump is running for president. This is really happening. It may seem innocent enough, and might even seem funny to some. But this is a very serious matter, a matter beyond anything you could have ever imagined — until now.

For the past several weeks, I’ve devoted my life to investigating Donald Trump’s campaign for president and its larger societal implications, as well as his existence in general, and what I’ve uncovered is truly groundbreaking. In this post, I put forth six individual theories that explain Donald Trump’s existence.

1. Donald Trump is the Antichrist. No loving God would ever create a Donald Trump, it just doesn’t make sense. If you subscribe to Christianity, it’s taught that humans are made in His image. There’s simply no way Donald Trump can be a reflection of God’s image, and therefore, no way Donald Trump could ever exist. That is, unless he’s the Antichrist. I know, I sound crazy, but before you get angry let’s consult a passage from the Good Book to confirm:

2 John 1:7 — For many deceivers are entered into the world, who confess not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist. The antichrist will own many luxurious golf courses.

Did you catch that?

There’s a subtle reference to “luxurious golf courses” which I believe to be an indication that, as I hypothesised, Donald Trump is the Antichrist.

While there seems to be sufficient evidence here, I’m a man of science. Like me, there may be skeptics out there who simply don’t believe an Antichrist is coming, or maybe they doubt that Donald Trump is that antichrist. And that’s fair. Honestly, that would be good news, because the Antichrist is a sign of the end times. So let’s explore other possibilities that may explain the Donald Trump Enigma.

2. Infinite Universes: This is my leading theory. Basically, the theory of infinite universes says that there are an infinite number of universes, and anything that can happen, will happen. Each universe has a different iteration of our reality. This would mean that there are infinite versions of you at this very moment, and each version of “you” does something different until every possible thing has happened. One version of you is a successful stockbroker, one version of you is a drug dealer, one version of you walked on the moon, one version of you is currently reading this post — hey, thanks! In our universe, we unfortunately got the version of Donald Trump that became a goofball billionaire and decided to run for president. Basically, we drew the short straw. Thanks, our universe.

3. Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. This one explains itself.

4. We’re living in a computer simulation: Many scientists believe this may actually be the case, and it seems to make sense. In this computer simulated reality, Donald Trump could be a virus running amuck in the software that programs our society, and we can only hope Our Programmers will fix the bug soon. Alternatively, we have displeased Our Programmers and they are punishing us accordingly. What have we done, Almighty Programmers? Forgive us. Forgive us.

5. This is a dream: I know I began this post saying that this isn’t a dream, but what if it is? Did you see Inception? Someone might be in my subconscious right now planting Donald Trump’s existence to distract me while they extrapolate valuable data I’m storing in my thoughts. What are you trying to get, my wifi password? …I’m on to you

6. It just is: Perhaps I put too much thought into this, and Donald Trump just is. Like you and I, Donald Trump exists. It turns out more people than I would’ve imagined (20% of the Republican Party) support his candidacy. Maybe that’s just the reality of today’s America. Some Americans like the hard-talking, big-mouthed candidate who isn’t a polished political robot — hell, that’s pretty much why I love Joe Biden.

So maybe Donald Trump’s candidacy and support is a reflection of an American electorate fed up with politicians who specialize in doublespeak, who constantly fail to accomplish even their most routine tasks, who continually over promise and under deliver, who have time to attend big-shot fundraisers but can’t be bothered to engage their constituents. Maybe people are fed up with politics as usual, and are gravitating toward someone different — not perfect, certainly not perfect, but different. Maybe that’s what’s happening. Maybe that explains Donald Trump.

Nah, we’re definitely in a computer simulation.


Originally published at www.sometimesweekly.com.