Dance Naked (Part 2)
Celebrate The Body That Got You Where You Are
This is an updated version of an article I wrote many, many years ago, for another website.
When I was twenty-three I had a beautiful body. Perfect teeth, and all I cared about was helping others and having fun.
At the time I had a boyfriend who took far more of my energy than he deserved, but by the time I turned 24 I was finished with that, and choosing never to do it again.
It didn’t feel good to be with a partner who expected me to respect him but had no respect for me and to be honest, gave me very little reason to respect him in the first place.
As I got older I had partners sure, but never guys I brought home to mom. I wasn’t looking for that, I was looking to explore my world and see how far I could go.
I fell down pretty hard when I finally let myself acknowledge what was done to me. It took six years to systematically “Come down,” from all the emotions I’d been suppressing for so long I’d lost track of a quantifiable number to make it make sense.
I’m older now, wiser now, and as much as I love my body, what I don’t love is the constant coughing and the feeling that I can’t keep up with my friends who like to walk fast.
I want to live a long time, largely because I remember what it felt like when all I wanted to do was die. I finally have a life worth fighting for, and more than ever I think it’s important for you to dance naked and celebrate your life.
Dancing is about raising energy. It’s about lifting yourself up even when you feel down. In past centuries we were taught to dance by our ancestors, they used dance in times of joy, sorrow, and even war.
In some tribes in Africa, when the enemy would approach, they would often see villagers dancing in the night, and while the enemy slept, the villagers would sneak into the tents and slice their throats before they woke, so they didn’t have a chance to attack.
Dancing is a powerful weapon against negative energy and evil forces.
When people expect you to be calm and quiet, you raise up by dancing and laughing and it scares them because if you’re capable of dancing, what else on earth are you capable of doing?
Dancing naked is trickier because it involves being vulnerable with yourself and that’s always terrifying.
Your inner child thinks it’s inappropriate to be naked and dancing, and your adult self feels silly and ridiculous because you’re not used to spending more than a few minutes at a time naked.
We’ve been taught that the only time we should be naked is when we’re getting in or out of the shower, at all other times we must be covered.
But this wasn’t always the way for humans.
People used to be celebrated for their bodies, we used to cherish people regardless of their size. In the days of old being fat usually just meant “well fed” and thus “less poor.”
Women have always — always, been shamed for their bodies. Regardless of our size, someone somewhere has at some point felt the need to comment or touch us in ways that make us uncomfortable.
That’s why we have to train ourselves to touch ourselves in gentle ways that don’t cause harm to our mental health. It takes time, effort, and practice, but eventually after trauma — especially sexual trauma — you can find yourself in a place of healing all the parts of you, that have lived so long unhealed.
Part of that is getting comfortable with your own nudity. A lot of the reason that we don’t like ourselves naked comes from the media’s perspective on what “beautiful” really looks like.
The truth is that beauty is different for everyone. Some people love John Cena, other people love Dad Bods, some people love nerds, and other people love car geeks.
It’s all a matter of perspective, what matters is what you find beautiful and that you look at yourself and see yourself for the gorgeous sculpted piece of artwork that you are.
I have long been a fan of nude art, but I never thought I could model for it because I’m too fat and I have scars all over my body.
It wasn’t until I watched a documentary on the Porn Industry, that I saw a porn star (name redacted) covered in scars. She amplified her scars with makeup and spent her early twenties making calendars, posters, and videos that showcased her scars prominently.
She was proud of her scars because her scars were a part of her body. Watching that film taught me a lesson. I may not like my body but she’s important to love the body that I am in because she has carried me this far.
These days I struggle to be naked. Largely because being naked means paying attention to the trauma that this body had to go through, to get to this place that’s largely okay but far from perfect.
However, it's very much my hope that if I challenge myself to dance naked, then you will too.
Whatever size, color, shape, scars, whatever your body is made up of, I hope you will celebrate yourself in whatever way feels right.
Sometimes I take photos of myself when I’m covered in nothing but a towel because it feels good to feel sexy and naughty in ways other people get scared by.
Almost every shower or bath I take includes candles and music, largely because I want that spa feeling when I go into the bath, but also because the music helps me block out the intrusive thoughts that show up when I am naked.
I highly believe we were born, and meant to celebrate ourselves. I think the idea that we should wait for others to celebrate us is silly. Often other folks don’t know we need to be celebrated, or maybe celebrating others the way “we” need, isn’t the love language of the people in our circles.
So being naked, categorizing your scars, remembering where they came from, and thanking yourself for surviving everything it took to get you here, is an important part of your mental health journey.
When you look at your body, what do you see? Do you see the warrior who fought Heaven, Hell, and Earth to survive? Or do you see someone who was victimized by the world and escaped by the skin of their teeth?
Whatever you see, honor that person by remembering that you were once a child who wasn’t warned about the battles you would have to face.
Look at yourself in the eyes. How often have you done that? Stared at yourself naked in the mirror while looking at yourself in the eyes?
All these parts of ourselves that we struggle to be comfortable with, are pieces of ourselves we are trained to give others, without asking any questions.
You are absolutely capable of standing naked in the mirror and looking over yourself, and being proud of yourself, it just might take a little work to get there.
You can do this. I believe in you.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl
