How Do You Write About Sex After Abuse?
This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
***TRIGGER WARNING*** Please read with Caution
For most of my life, I have been chained by white supremacist abusers who raped me specifically because I am from a marginalized community and they thought wrongly, that they’d get away with it.
From the time I was five years old I’ve been getting raped, but it wasn’t until I was 15 that a very famous now rapist showed up. Fuck it, KR raped me and had me raped when I was fifteen about the same time he met Allison Mack from Vancouver BC, where I had moved with my family only 2 years prior.
The rapes would continue for twenty years off and on, with a variety of horrible men doing whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, and getting away with it because I was too afraid to tell anyone.
I struggle to say his name because there are so many men following in his path, who have groups of their own now, who have their own branches of abusive behavior.
In or around 2015 I was raped again, this time by several of the same men who raped me when I was a child. Several more were in prison at the time, and I thank God because the most vicious of them, was in jail for 20 years. ERG.
An evil bastard who likes to torture his victims. Another, CP, stayed in my life as a guest of the church I worked at. I had no memory of what he did in the dark at my tender 15 years old, and he used that against me, to stay in my life and pretend to be a friend.
Which is why I couldn’t identify some of them when I was 15. They’d already arrested some, and others were in hiding, but even if they had shown me his face, I wouldn’t have remembered on account of the drugs they gave me when they raped me. Repeatedly.
Years later I remember their faces in detail, the sound of their voices, and their smell, all of it is the same. I can feel their hands on my body and that’s probably never going to go away.
It would take more than twenty years for me to identify them all and when I did, the people that could have helped called me crazy.
So I’ve been traumatized a lot, first by rapists, and abusers, and then by the system that should have protected me and instead chose to vilify my claims because it frankly, is just easier than unraveling the shit I’ve been through.
I’m one of the lucky ones though because here I am and I can write about sex all I want now, I can talk about it, right? It’s okay for me to be a sexual being after abuse, right? That’s what my girlfriends tell me, but honestly? I don’t know how.
Sex should be an experience of bonding, first with yourself and also with others.
Brave New World, a television show about a woman in an oddly oppressive society, was a game changer for me. This show taught me that it was okay to say no and that I was allowed to enjoy my body on my terms, but as soon as I started to masturbate again, all the old feelings came up.
Guilt, shame, disgust, and memories of what was done to that part of my body, and why, were offensive to me and it pulled me back from being able to touch myself, and then a thought hit me:
The two are not the same.
MR was another victim in the event — no better words here — he wasn’t there because he wanted to be, he was there because he’d been promised one thing and seen another.
We ended up in the room together where we pretended to have sex and I pretended to want him until I couldn’t anymore and I just started screaming. Throughout this entire thing, MR has been holding my hand reminding me that we were victims, not a part of a rape game, but chosen to be victimized by men on the other side of the door with guns, drugs, and who knows what else.
So writing about sex isn’t easy for me.
Demeter V Delune is amazing on the other hand when it comes to writing about sex. She’s so free and pure and she talks about pleasure as if it’s a gift from the God’s given to her because she’s earned the right to please herself in whatever way she decides.
This is massive, women are allowed to think this way? In Canada too? Are Brown women? It turns out that yes, Brown and Black and Mixed Race, Asian, Jewish, and disabled folks are all allowed to enjoy sex, even if they’ve been raped.
She started this magazine so that we could reclaim ourselves and be proud of our sexual selves and we should be.
Every time there’s a new show about sexual identity and pleasure it gets canceled, unless it’s about 4 white Cis women, then it gets played everywhere and it’s the biggest thing in history.
Whelp. I’m not a Cis White Woman. I’m a bisexual Black person who uses they/them because it pisses off my abusers to think that I might one day decide to transition. (Keep waiting to find out, because I might,) or I might not.
Whatever it is I become I know that right now my sexual revolution begins with refusing to be ashamed that I enjoy sexual pleasure, with men, and women, even though I’ve been raped.
I didn’t rape myself. I was raped. And this is my daily mantra.
“I did not victimize myself, I did not do this to myself I did not ask for this, I did not ask these men to do what they did, they decided to give me something they thought I wanted because they are sick, twisted men, who don’t belong in our world.”
This is my path and I hope as I become more comfortable talking about sex, you’ll join me in sharing your own stories.
You can’t have a healthy relationship without intimacy, and I know this, so while I’m not ready to be intimate with anyone other than myself right now, I’ll say this, reclaiming my body, my mind, and my time, is giving me a whole new perspective on the men who abused me.
I haven’t ever taken the time to decide who I am outside of being a victim, and I hope that the posts I include in this amazing new magazine, will show all folks, how to move on after abuse.
I tell you all this because I foresee growth and evolution in my life, and this is just the beginning.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl