A trip into anxiety… as it’s happening

Here’s the key to beating your anxiety. No joke.

((I began editing the first paragraph of this after-the-fact, then I realized it sort of defeats the purpose of showing how anxious I am, so forgive me for any typos))
I’m going to explain exactly why we feel anxiety, given that I am feeling it right now. Why do I claim I am anxious? Well after I just flowed through an entire 6-page letter to my dad (single-spaced ) that is full of deep and complex social analogies in about 3hrs, I am currently mistyping over half of of the words that I am typing

For example, that last part of the sentence went through this metamorphosis:
mistybi ob

mistyping o b

mistyping over halb

mistyping over halg

…you get the picture… O and by the way, while I was just doing ^that^ I insisted on saying “mystiping” each and every single time. No joke.

I am anxious. My body is shaky. My heart is racing. My thoughts are unfocused. My feelings? hurt. That’s why I am anxious. My anxiety is high because my feelings are low and I need something to soothe me.
You see, I recently went through a … separation. I was seeing the perfect girl and we had built the perfect story in the month since we met each other. Well, we met online, but whatever. That allowed us to morph the story and make a different kind of good story out of it. Although we weren't officially dating, we were crazy about each other… until nothing…
She changed her mind like night and day… actually… it was not like night and day. Night and day is gradual. She changed her mind in what was apparently literally one evening.
We had been messaging non-stop and through all mediums. At times we were seriously talking through text, facebook, email, and/or duolingo… at the same time.
Thursday morning we were chatting, in the afternoon she messaged me wanting to hang out, but then when I got to the house where she and her friends were, she was different. Instead of going into any over-analytical details that I might want to go into, I am going to tell you this: she barely even made eye-contact with me.
Fast-forward to the following Wednesday and I can tell you that we have barely talked. She did not message me at work on Friday. After I messaged her on Saturday, she told me she had been thinking a lot and didn’t want to be tied down and we had a brief talk afterwards via text. She ignored me on Sunday even though we were supposed to hang out. And Monday when we finally talked, she said a lot of conflicting things that still boiled down to: I am no longer interested in you and I am not giving you straight answers.

That is why I am anxious right now.

I have so many questions. Why? How? Is it final?

I have so much that I need to tell her and so much that I want to know about her. Do you even care about me? Were you using me? Is there someone else? What are you doing RIIIIGHHHTT NOW? Can we talk?

I trusted her with my feelings and she shattered me. I got used to communicating with her all the time and she abandoned me.
I fell for her and she didn’t.

And so I am shaky. I am lonely. I want nothing more than to contact her right now and get my answers.

Should I?

If I ever want to have any hopes with her again. Is it better to give her space or try to rescue our ‘thing’ while she hasn’t completely made up her mind?

Logically I have told myself that it’s better to wait and give her space.

Emotionally I have enough to say that I know I can get through to her.

So which do I choose?

Logic? Emotion?
Thats why I am anxious. Because I have to make a choice and there no easy way to make it.

You want to talk about anxiety? There’s anxiety. Making a choice and not having enough information to make the right one. Further complicating my choice and heightening my anxiety is the fact that my decision involves information that someone else has.

And so all I have left to do here is suffer until I make a choice.

But then I might regret that choice.

Fuck.

THAT is anxiety.

Update: I recently joined Medium and have only written one story. I am debating if I should go ahead and post it there or keep it to myself in the hidden little book that I am writing and no one else knows about. But wait, Medium uses Twitter. What if my friends that don’t know about my secret writing life suddenly see it? What if she sees it?

My God, I can feel the judgment already. The mockery. The ridicule.
But I really want to.

I should. No wait, I shouldn’t.

Anxiety is even higher now. I went from one problem to another. Now I am worried about this one.

Fuck it. I’m going to post it.
Now that I’ve made my decision I just have to copy, paste, share, add to collections.
But will I go back to worrying about my other problem? I don’t want to do that. That problem is much deeper and much more personal.

Fuck.

I could now be anxious about anxiety itself…But at this point I realized what I am doing, and it’s fucking hilarious. You see, writing about this problem made me feel good because I was taking the time to process whatever it was that was ACTUALLY happening in my head. So in a “Zense” I meditated my way out of it by moment to moment analyzation of what was happening inside my head. Now it’s all gone.

But I kinda want it back.

Damn, anxiety can be fucking cool.